Brain Freeze

Dear Slurpee Corp:

I enjoy your frozen beverages immensely. There isn’t anything better to have at midnight than a coke and grape Slurpee. The sweet taste adds an interesting sub-text to the stroll back home through the graveyard near the 7-11 where I purchase your drinks. I look at the tombstones and I am reminded how special it is to be alive to enjoy the feeling of a Slurpee induced brain-freeze. It is hard to enjoy anything as a corpse, you know?

However I’m increasingly concerned with the security at all-night 7-11’s. Tonight for instance, a van-load of middle-aged drunkards and whores pummeled a downtrodden man in the parking lot. He got his already filthy jean jacket even dirtier because they kicked and spit at him over an oil puddle left by some bleeding car. They even tipped over his shopping cart. Edmonton is a dangerous place.

I drank my Slurpee in relative peace as I walked toward the graveyard, so I shouldn’t complain I suppose. But I didn’t feel the environment was healthy for frozen beverage consumption. None of the individuals were holding Slurpees either. Maybe that was why they were so violent.

I propose that you create a Slurpee security task force in order to protect the safe and tidy distribution of your product. You could enlist the help of Slurpee aficionados across the nation. I’d even lend my services to assist the administration and implementation of said organization.

Thanks for your consideration.

Yours in perpetuity,

Tyler Morency


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