Open Letter To the City of Edmonton

Hello Edmonton,

At the end of the month I’ll have lived here for a year. Some things are clear:

Edmonton likes to rob at gunpoint. Edmonton hurls mysterious squash from the windows of passing cars. Edmonton will flip you off because it is driving. It will do the same because it is walking. Edmonton likes to smoke meth and hit its wife before taking public transit to the liquor store.

Edmonton smiles the toothy grin of a pervert used-car salesman. Edmonton is the kiddie porn capital of the country. Edmonton comes to your party, drinks all your good whiskey then tries to sleep with your girlfriend and then your sister. Edmonton has a face you’d love to punch.

Edmonton is the shittiest place in the world in many ways for many of it’s inhabitants.

People still live here for a reason. I’m just not sure what it is.


2 comments on “Open Letter To the City of Edmonton

  1. Clarify: Edmonton, UK or Edmonton, Canada.

    • fergis says:

      This was surely Edmonton, Alberta. In the fine country of Canada.

      I’ve since relocated across the Atlantic Ocean.

      Obviously I was mad that a squash was thrown at my girlfriend and I and I wrote this.

      I’ve since come to realize that I miss Whyte Ave and the food from Oodle Noodle Box. Eat there now universalchan. Please, because I can’t…

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