To Stephen Harper

Congratulations on your election to the office of prime minister. Canadians obviously wanted a change. With your ascent to power comes a number of facts that trouble me, notably the remarks made in regards to foreign policy.
That’s fine I guess. Just remember we don’t own any serious weapons and buying them from the States doesn’t come cheap.
The world is wise.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Walking in expensive neighbourhoods

In the basement of a fine mansion several skeletons eat an ancient dinner of dust and spider eggs. They sit at fine tables and use fine china. Cobwebs cling to both the forks and the plates. They haven’t moved in years.

Fortunately, when they come alive soon they are surrounded by video rental racks filled with the latest Hollywood films. Entertainment won’t be added to the list of things they’ve missed.

Skeletons come alive when they are rattled by people longing to walk around the mansion anyway. Those foul-spirited Manor folk direct the unwitting into the basement.

Dear Trash Can/Recycling Bin

We’ve shared a fine relationship up to now. You would eat useless files and I would provide them to you. Things were so simple in the past.

Last night I wanted to discard some unnecessary web captures. I dragged the icons into your gaping jaws. Then I emptied you. To my horror, I realized I had sent six months of my written work, my articles, my love letters, my hate letters, my drunken ramblings and my first novel into oblivion.

There is no undo command in your world. When something is gone, it is certainly gone. Some seem to believe it can be restored but you have taught me the truth.

Perhaps we can take a valuable from this–we must appreciate that the world we live in is not as empty as you.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy


The Husk is exhausted. One may not know it, but the Husk writes for a living. It doesn’t leave much left over.

A big pile of things-to-do. Nothing gets crossed out. Nothing to eat.

Will write more when hands are screwed back on.

To Iran

Please don’t use nuclear reactors to make weapon-grade uranium. No good can come from this. You may be thinking, “Well, America has plenty of nukes. Why can’t we?” I guess that makes sense. Plenty of countries have nuclear bombs, countries you may not like even. However, it is no reason to get uppity and kick the UN out of your place. I realize your pride is at stake. It may seem surprising, but everybody worries about his or her pride as much as you do. Nobody likes being treated unfairly.

So if you manufacture weapon-grade uranium please do your absolute best to ensure it doesn’t end up in a suitcase-bomb in New York City. It will make everybody unhappy.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear David J. Parker

I’d like to congratulate you for attempting to bring the Green party ideas into the mainstream for the Canadian public. I suppose you’re very busy running around and managing the campaign but I’d like to extend a greeting nonetheless. You have a tough go of it with Anne McLean and Laurie Hawn vying for votes.

I’m sorry to say that I think it will be awhile before people take climate change and fossil fuel depletion seriously. It will be when people are roaming the country for fuel on foot when they are concerned with the environment. They will think to themselves, “It would have been wise to do something when we had the chance. Oh well… Maybe next time.”

Perhaps this is just human nature. I’m not sure. I’m no philosopher; just a worried man hoping Mad Max doesn’t become a non-fiction documentary. I have the feeling you could understand such fears.

I saw a CBC broadcast that painted Jim Harris as a political opportunist. It said he drummed out some of the parties’ grassroots because they didn’t understand his vision. In the interviews, they seemed upset about it. They said he wasn’t keeping true to the core Green Party principals. Do you know anything about it?

Good luck, you’ll need it.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Count Chocula

After buying a box of your cereal from Safeway, I had the first bowl of Count Chocula since I was 12. I try to avoid sugar but it was on sale and I was feeling reckless. Cap’n Crunch is my usual bad breakfast cereal.

Let me tell you, Chocula, you make a damn chocolaty cereal. It hurts my teeth to even think about eating the rest of the box. I will, of course, but I fear adverse effects on my health. I don’t mention this to taint your cereal’s reputation, but I thought you should know.

I was thinking you should consider a job as a dictator for a Soviet-successor state. You could have a very frightening career if you played your cards right. Hell, you could even bring your cereal to new markets.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy