Dear Suicide Prevention Week

Everybody knows you as Reading Week these days. Not the same is it? The name makes everyone forget what you were started for–to keep college students from killing themselves.

A rose by any other name, eh? Nowadays professors pile on the homework for Reading Week. A slap in the face to the notion of relaxing for a while.

Some may say college life is all bongs and frisbee. In Canada it is too cold to play frisbee and everybody stopped smoking drugs with friends in high school. College is serious amount of work.

Not this week though. Kudos on another prevented suicide.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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PM going on vacation

Canadian Press reports Stephen Harper is set to travel to Afganistan. Good for him. I hear they’ve got some great opium.

I can see it now, Harper siting in the back of a ’80s era jeep with select members of the Northern Alliance puffing on a brick of Kandahar’s finest. He’ll be in a stylish headress. He’ll be brandishing an old AK-47. He’ll be so taken in by the hospitality he’ll grow a beard and change his name to Ahmed. Canada’s leadership will never be the same.

Any ideas why he’s going to one of the poorest countries in the world? Perhaps he knows where Usama’s been hiding and rather than leave such an important task to chance, he’s going to the mountains to get the most wanted man in the world. Maybe Ottawa’s gotten to him.

Who knows?

To the Dude Shopping For a Handgun

Hey. I can see your computer monitor from here. You’re looking for a Glock on the net… Here’s a couple things I’d like to mention.

1. You can’t buy mail order handguns from America and get them shipped here. They may take your money but you aren’t getting your “piece.”

2. This is Canada. You don’t need a fucking hand gun. Beat your enemy with a stick but don’t buy a gun… Coward. Real thugs use knives.

3. Same as number 2.

Hopefully, you get over the anger of your girlfriend banging that guy in her English class and don’t need to shoot the two of them in their sleep. Paint a picture instead or write a scathing poem. Hell, challenge him to a rap-battle… They are all the rage these days.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Effigy Wednesday!

Two-thousand and six promises to be the year of the effigy. Better get on the bandwagon now or risk getting labelled as a trendwhore.

Start with a good base of materials:
The key to a successful effigy is flammable materials. You don’t want to put sweat and tears into a product that won’t light. All of your friends will go home upset and you’ll be the shame of the town.
Soak long sections of newspapers in gasoline. Stuff them into some pants and a shirt. Second-stores are a great place to grab these items. This will make up the body of your effigy.

Assemble the details:
Put extra effort into the face. There is no sense signifying your disgust of someone with flame if no one can recognize it. Enlist the help of a creative friend if you’re not confident with your designing abilities. The inclusion of hands and feet are debatable.

Putting your effigy on a stick:
Some effigists simply ram a broom stick into their effigy and call it a day. Go the extra distance and attach a section of wire to the head and dangle your effigy like a fishing lure. This ensures your safety and the swaying effect is awe-inspiring.

Lighting your effigy:
Many first-timers will douse their effigy in gas and light the head immediately. You’ll be smart and start with the legs. The crowd will witness flames slowly engulfing the effigy climaxing with the head. The audience will be thankful you gave them an experience to savour.

To Guy Terrifico

I just got your album Retribution Honky Tonkus’ and it has blown my mind. You are the most underrated Canadian artist of the last century. I know you’re alive somewhere out there, making great music, snorting lines off the back of your guitar underneath some great Cuban sun.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Ralph Klein

Ralph Klein

You are very generous. You gave everybody in this fair land $400. I got mine today. While nobody should scoff at money for nothing, I’m just not sure how to spend it. Should I buy stocks in a private health care provider? Maybe I should donate the money to your party, you sure know how to spend money when you’ve got it. I think I’ll buy fake moustaches for everybody I know.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: I’ll send you pictures when I finally decide how to spend it.