To the people I may or may not be involved in a plane crash with

I’ve just decided that I’ll be the bastard who shouts as we plummet towards the earth, “I wonder what the poor people are doing right now?”

Truly,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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Moving

Packing papers into boxes. Moving those boxes into a larger box with wheels. Fun.
From basement to basement. Less spiders in the new place, however the spiders that are there are larger.

To the nice people I’ll never see again after I stop going to college

It’s been great. I mean it. We have shared good times.

Lunchlady: Thanks for letting me have a big coffee even though the “egg on a bun” combo dictates a small.

Librarian: Enjoy the drum circles. I like them too.

Carpet Back: My girlfriend hates it when I call you that. I won’t anymore.

Bitchy Nick: Keep on truckn’. Whatever that means.

Mr. Johnston: Hopefully poisonous snakes stay away from you while you’re building schools for poor children.

Low-cut shirt Stephanie: The second floor directly overlooks your work studio downstairs. It amplifies the already thrilling perspective of your shirts. Maybe you should keep that in mind.

To everybody I didn’t include, simply insert your favourite thank you from the preceding thank you’s and call it even.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear unfinished business

Hey good looking! We’ve enjoyed an interdependent relationship for so many years. I feel like I know you like the back of my hand. We met when I tried to finished that novel a couple years back. I thought I was too good for you. What a young fool I was.
This weekend is going to have to be different. I’m sorry. It may hurt you. But let’s be clear… It’s you, not me. External circumstances have forced me to break off our relationship.
I hope you understand. It won’t be long before we meet again, I’m sure.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear prospective employers

This time it will be different. I swear. I’m not so bad. The days of showing up to work under the influence are long over. I promise.

I’m together and I’ll do your company good. I’ll make you money. I won’t steal office supplies. No staplers or paper clips will ever come home with me.

You won’t be sorry. No cruel jokes about your appperance to co-workers. No sleeping with your wife.

Hire me. I’ll do no wrong and you’ll be happy with my attitude and productivity.

Truly,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy