To Brett Ratner, director of X-Men: the Last Stand

Hello,

I spent two hours of my life watching the aforementioned film. My only thoughts swimming around my head are of your apparent distaste for making films and your stunning greed. You managed to make a premise consisting of super-powered mutants boring. That requires a deeply-rooted childhood problem with comic books and fun. Go back to making racial exploitation movies like Rush Hour 2, you evil monster.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Advertisements

To the person who found this site while searching for ‘Sorry I hurt you letters’

Hello,

I’m sorry you found this site while you needed to find a reliable source of work that could be used to patch things up. I don’t write those kinds of letters. Not for free anyway.

This brings me to a troubling topic that has been stewing in my brain for a long time. You see, the Internet strangers that visit my letters the most, are usually searching for content related to suicide. They find the open letter I wrote to reading week. It’s probably not what they are looking for.

People rarely find my site after searching for hilarious commentary on breakfast cereals or hard liquor or politics. That worries me, as I’ve put great effort towards those topics. And not suicide.

At any rate, I hope you found something amusing enough to pass on to your significant other. I’m sure you are a catch. A misunderstood catch.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Environment Minister Rona Ambrose

I’ve heard about the altercation at the LRT station this afternoon. How rude of those protesters! You were simply trying to put together a nice publicity stunt for Clean Air Day to avoid growing anger towards the government’s position on Kyoto. How dare they be concerned with your business.

I guess you couldn’t take the train and had to get the RCMP to drive you in a black van. I’d be afraid of being shot by climate change activists. I mean, anybody that listens to Phish must be dangerous.

At least now that the day is over you can hop into your Buick Rendevous and burn the 45-minute drive home with the air-conditioning on the entire time.

Alas, nobody understands you Rona.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Open letter to my 18-year-old self

Hey bucko,

You might be feeling kind of strange lately. That’s because Warthog Ale and motion sickness pills (MSPs) don’t mix. It seems like a good idea at first but you’ll realize that your judgement has been impaired for sometime when you finally sleep with Mann’s girlfriend. That’s another thing. Don’t sleep with Mann’s girlfriend, no matter how great an idea it seems like at the time. Sort of like the Warthog/MSPs cocktail. The more I think about it, the more I come to realize that the two elements are probably more connected than is tolerable.

Avoid both like the plague. Instead, move away from the city before going to college. It may be frightening at first but it turns out for the best.

Remember when you threw up on the hood of that black Navigator on your 18th birthday? Nothing bad ever comes of it. Kudos.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

May 16: a fine day in history

What happened today on the 136th day of the calendar, throughout history:

In 1836 Edgar Allan Poe marries his 13-year-old cousin.

In 1866 Charles Hires invents root beer. It goes well with vodka.

In 1965 Cambell Soup introduces SpaghettiO’s to North America.

In 1984 Andy Kaufman dies. I am born the same afternoon.

I share birthdays with Nirvana-bassist Krist Novoselic, tit-shower Janet Jackson and asshole mouthpiece Tucker Carlson.

I’m going to get drunk now.

To the tax-return person

Procrastination is a funny thing. It takes control at the worst times, despite one’s best intentions. I guess that’s not that funny. It sucks.

That’s why I’m sorry I didn’t file sooner. I’m a procrastinator.

You’ll notice some claims that might strike you as suspicious. For instance, I’ve taped hundreds of liquor store receipts together and claimed them as work expense. Alcohol consumption is a prerequisite as a journalist. Also, you’ll see that I’ve claimed a number of square feet as a second residence. It is actually a bomb shelter I’ve started in the backyard. This is also a requirement for a member of the press. The same goes for pornography. This is simply the nature of things.

I’m sure you claim a number of things that may seem bizarre to outsiders when you do your own taxes. This is to be expected.

I won’t judge you harshly for it, so you shouldn’t audit me. Deal?

Truly,
Fergis T. McGillicuddy