To Penthouse Forum

I can’t believe it happened to me. I attended a party hosted by a lingerie model last weekend. As a journalist, my work introduces me to interesting characters occasionally and I met this model for a feature I wrote about a local designer. She appreciated my interviewing style apparently, because she invited me to her place for a party.
I brought a bottle of moderately priced Champagne (well, sparkling wine anyway), thinking that would be what a model and her friends would enjoy. To my surprise, I was greeted at the door by the model and a number of her equally sexy model friends drinking Jim Bean from the bottle. They took the bottle of Baby Duck from me and I never saw it again. As they led me to the hot tub, bourbon struck me as an odd choice of beverages for a group of nearly naked twenty-something lingerie models. That wasn’t the only thing that stuck me as odd as the night continued. They stripped me of my clothes, leaving only my modest underwear on.
As I got in to the hot tub alone, a cute redhead forced me to guzzle foul bourbon (Wild Turkey is the only decent choice of Kentucky’s finest). The girls began to circle the hot tub. I expected them to undress. Instead, they began donning full-body Disney mascot costumes. Mickey, Goofy, Donald, Pluto, one of the dwarves. They were all there. I searched for the booze again but the redhead was replaced by a furry visage of Buzz Lightyear. Naturally, I felt awkward at that point.
To make a long story short, the tub eventually went inside, played Scrabble and I went home alone. What gives Penthouse Forum?

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To Bill Gates

billg.jpg

Heard you are taking semi-retirement from the daily grind of running a multi-billion dollar company. I’m glad. Now you’ve got more time to play Xbox 360. I’ve heard Halo 3 is a pretty sweet game. I wouldn’t know. I can’t afford an Xbox as I’m not a billionaire. I hope that you don’t go crazy with all the extra time on your hands. It would be sad to see you turn into a Howard Hughes-type character. He bottled his urine. 

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy