To Penthouse Forum

I can’t believe it happened to me. I attended a party hosted by a lingerie model last weekend. As a journalist, my work introduces me to interesting characters occasionally and I met this model for a feature I wrote about a local designer. She appreciated my interviewing style apparently, because she invited me to her place for a party.
I brought a bottle of moderately priced Champagne (well, sparkling wine anyway), thinking that would be what a model and her friends would enjoy. To my surprise, I was greeted at the door by the model and a number of her equally sexy model friends drinking Jim Bean from the bottle. They took the bottle of Baby Duck from me and I never saw it again. As they led me to the hot tub, bourbon struck me as an odd choice of beverages for a group of nearly naked twenty-something lingerie models. That wasn’t the only thing that stuck me as odd as the night continued. They stripped me of my clothes, leaving only my modest underwear on.
As I got in to the hot tub alone, a cute redhead forced me to guzzle foul bourbon (Wild Turkey is the only decent choice of Kentucky’s finest). The girls began to circle the hot tub. I expected them to undress. Instead, they began donning full-body Disney mascot costumes. Mickey, Goofy, Donald, Pluto, one of the dwarves. They were all there. I searched for the booze again but the redhead was replaced by a furry visage of Buzz Lightyear. Naturally, I felt awkward at that point.
To make a long story short, the tub eventually went inside, played Scrabble and I went home alone. What gives Penthouse Forum?

To Bill Gates

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Heard you are taking semi-retirement from the daily grind of running a multi-billion dollar company. I’m glad. Now you’ve got more time to play Xbox 360. I’ve heard Halo 3 is a pretty sweet game. I wouldn’t know. I can’t afford an Xbox as I’m not a billionaire. I hope that you don’t go crazy with all the extra time on your hands. It would be sad to see you turn into a Howard Hughes-type character. He bottled his urine. 

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Ann Coulter

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You don’t have to be this way. I know I hurt you, but I was young. The truth is, you were boring. The constant drum circles and mushroom trips were interesting at first, but it was all you ever wanted to do. Plus, you never showered and that one big dreadlock smelled horrid. But you didn’t need to turn into a hate-mongering xenophobe just to impress me. I’d rather you bought me a puppy or ice cream. Perhaps you could have chanelled your frustration into a painting or prose-poetry.

I guess you’ve found success. I understand that you sell thousands of books to misguided individuals searching for somebody that hates other people more than they hate themselves. That’s fine. I hope you’re happy with yourself. But I won’t take you back. Ever.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To 666 or the number of the beast

Several people have been asking if anything supernatural will happen today–June 6, 2006 or 06/06/06. The answer, of course, is no. The calendar is a man-made construct, so evil has no bearing over it. Unless one considers anything man-made sort of inherantly evil to begin with, which I do.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: You are Iron Maiden’s best song.