Dear Readers

Writing letters can be a difficult task. Writing novels is surely a harder task. So writing a novel in three days must be the most difficult literary task in existence.

Now, I don’t ask for much charity my friends, but I have a favour to ask of you, please vote for my good friend Tyler Morency in the upcoming 3-Day Novel Contest. He needs your help. He’s going to be stranded on television with 11 other writers, living in a giant book store, attempting to finish a novel in three days. If you don’t vote for him, he doesn’t get to choose his bunk or where he sits. That will be rough. I’ve been told the store is haunted.

But I’ve also been told there will be impromptu street hockey…So who knows?

Please show your support.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Pluto

It has been a sweet 75 years but the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has spoken. You have been cut.
I understand it seems harsh to be cast out of the planet club, but you need to understand that we like our planets big and you have a long way to go little buddy. Several moons are bigger than you are and the IAU isn’t making them planets. See, the IAU is interested in celestial bodies with massive gravity that could crush spacecraft and the bodies of astronauts into tiny balls of matter. The IAU is not interested in a place where gravity allows a person to throw a football that can circumnavigate the surface, allowing the thrower to catch his or her own tosses. That’s insane.

Sure your surface temperature averages -375˚ C. but Canada is a fucking cold country too. We still play football.

So you can take your poisonous atmosphere mostly made of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide along with your wonky orbit and hit the road.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Johan

It has been far too long my friend, but I’ve been busy working, much to your surprise, I’m sure.

I recently gained employment at a busy media production house. It manufactures postmodern fiction on a daily basis. The company must maintain the swift and timely creation of these fictions to stay in business.

While I enjoy the creative environment, I haven’t done actual work. I’ve spent many hours watching others work. My supervisor calls the time “training.” I’m not sure what to call it. I’ve watched so many tasks completed by others that I am unsure if I would be able to finish anything myself. I’ve managed to develop a persona that veils this uncertainty. I walk around the office very quickly. I keep a determined face. I avoid idle chitchat even while others seem to engage in it incessantly. I’m careful to distance myself from direct observance. I am constantly resolving a pressing responsibility somewhere mysterious.

I am beginning to worry that my persona as “confident multi-task manager” is too effective. It won’t be long before my supervisor expects that I complete actual tasks. You of all people understand how greatly this troubles me. Please advise.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Rebecca, and other Dog, the Bounty Hunter Fans

This is a letter from a fan…of reality television.

I love your show and I whatch it every time your on Beth is so funny I love to see you and your team work as a team I had a hard time and life and then I saw your show and I know it was all about my choises
have a good day and keep up your hard work

Rebecca

Hello Rebecca. I don’t have a show. So you must have been watching something else. In the future, it may be in your best interest to end your sentences with a period. It’s that key that has a dot on it. While you’re at it, it might help to run your work through a spellchecker. Or you could just read things…

I sympathize with your hard life and times. However, I can’t sympathize with your abuse of the English language. There isn’t much that I get upset in this world, but this is one of these things. Please get yourself a membership to your local public library and get out a few books. They can be about anything. Just start reading…

That goes for everybody who wrote their own letters to Dog on this website. While I appreciate that you took the time to plug a few words into a search engine and then plug a few more words into the “leave a comment field,” you must realize I am not Dog. I am a poor, lazy, drunk, Canadian writer. I may be lonely, but I don’t enjoy reading the heartfelt musings to somebody I don’t know. It probably boils down to insecurities on my part. I desperately seek validation from strangers, so if you’d like to tell me I’ve changed your life for the better then go ahead. But leave the “Dog Love” to somebody else.

Thank you,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: You left your comment under my Extremely Short Fictions category. I found that odd, as it has nothing to do with anything. Good luck with everything though.

Dear Lindsay Lohan

Please don’t travel to Iraq. You have been chosen by the cosmos to be able to afford not having to worry about anything. Lindsay, people die in Iraq. Did you know that? And not from old age either, but from car bombs, bullet wounds and fire. Are these the sorts of people you want to perform for? Why not make another movie about a talking car instead. Don’t worry your pretty head about things like “politics” or “the news.” Just do some coke, drink some expensive vodka and bitch about Paris Hilton.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Fidel Castro

I’ve heard you’ve seen better days. It’s gotten me thinking about the good old days. While I think about the good old days, I like to eat Kraft Dinner. Have you ever enjoyed a bowl of macaroni and cheese? It tastes good. It may not be good for you, but it tastes good. I’d send you a box, but I worry that all those CIA assassination attempts have soured you on packages from strangers. Which is a shame but with the intestinal problems you’ve been having lately, macaroni and cheese probably wouldn’t do you much good. Get better soon so you can visit Canada and drink Havana Club with me in my mansion, though I figure international travel probably isn’t high on your list of priorities.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Open Letter to the End of the World

There are those that believe that the end of the world is at hand. Well, maybe it is. There is certainly no lack of suffering. I’ve got to tell you, the evangelists are getting to me though. They speak about the Rapture like it is right around the corner. Both you and I know that this is not the case. There is another decent 10 years in the globe left, right?

When I was 18, I’d down painkillers with shots of hard liquor and watch the television coverage of the Iraq invasion. I was really worried back then. I figured that Canada was about as much a danger to the States as Iraq at the time, so, following that logic, I figured we were as much a target.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Wild Turkey Bourbon

Yesterday, I picked up a bottle of you from the liquor store. Not too surprising given my affinity for your kind of Kentucky bourbon, but what was surprising, was the price. Thirty dollars!  I remember when I could pick up a bottle of Wild Turkey for $24. Those days are apparently long gone. I can’t afford that unless my work starts paying more. What am I to do?

What other liquor should I start drinking? Everything sucks compared to your distinctive character and finish. Your concern for quality and whatnot certainly shows but I’m a man with a worried mind. Is it the cork? Is it gas prices? Is it some form of scarcity that I can’t imagine? Help!

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy