Dear Pluto

It has been a sweet 75 years but the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has spoken. You have been cut.
I understand it seems harsh to be cast out of the planet club, but you need to understand that we like our planets big and you have a long way to go little buddy. Several moons are bigger than you are and the IAU isn’t making them planets. See, the IAU is interested in celestial bodies with massive gravity that could crush spacecraft and the bodies of astronauts into tiny balls of matter. The IAU is not interested in a place where gravity allows a person to throw a football that can circumnavigate the surface, allowing the thrower to catch his or her own tosses. That’s insane.

Sure your surface temperature averages -375˚ C. but Canada is a fucking cold country too. We still play football.

So you can take your poisonous atmosphere mostly made of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide along with your wonky orbit and hit the road.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy


3 comments on “Dear Pluto

  1. Rich Dudka says:

    It seems to me that the IAU is picking on Pluto just because it’s small. They should maybe pick on something their own size.

  2. Great letter; thanks for the laugh! After reading blogs all day, I can’t believe how divisive this issue seems to be. Is the fact that Pluto no longer has planetary status going to affect anything other than textbooks?

  3. robodad says:


    Yes, it was surprising how long I got away with it. I never really expected it, and when they called me a ‘planet’, I was pleasantly surprised. I did not feel I deserved the honor, but I could not bring myself to tell anyone.

    Yes, I was now in the same class as Jupiter and Saturn. I was one of the big boys…not just another little piece of space crap that flew out of the Nose of God… I was a Big Booger.

    Alas, the jig is now up. I was sort of expecting this for a while now.

    Oh well, time to start mending those bridges I burned the night I was first honored with planetary stauts, and I stayed up late drinking and calling all my comet friends and telling them what pieces of poop they all were.

    love and plutokisses

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