To the Asshole that Peed on My Car

I was headed to the fridge for a little late night snack when I walked past my window and saw you relieving yourself on my vehicle last night. You and you’re friends thought it was pretty funny.

Let me be the first to tell you that my turn-of-the-century Pontiac Grand Prix has a bad ass voodoo hex on it. Soon all your luck will turn for the worst. Your girlfriend will breakup with you, dumping your ass for somebody that doesn’t piss on cars, making you homeless in the process. You’ll start taking pills and drinking too much. You’ll lose your job and all your friends. You’ll be all alone in a very big and very terrifying world. You’ll eventually stab yourself in the eye with a shard of a bottle of Baby Duck and bleed to death underneath a dumpster. But not before you shrink to the size of a chronically ill cancer patient. Other homeless people and passing college kids will relieve themselves on you like you relieved yourself on my automobile.

You can look forward to a brief existence full of disappointment, shame and anguish.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: It was actually me that peed on the Grand Prix…I’m really sorry. Please don’t curse me.

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5 comments on “To the Asshole that Peed on My Car

  1. robodad says:

    Fergis,

    What a coincidence. I peed on it, too.

    I rechristened it the “Grand Pix”

    Love and Robokisses
    robodad

  2. April says:

    Oh man, was it this guy?

  3. Ashley your friend says:

    Remember that time you vomited on that luxury SUV?? God is calling in his favours. You my friend, did something terribly wrong…

  4. Mingus says:

    It was probably Mingus Tourette, that fn bastard.

  5. Mr Piddle says:

    Dear Mr Fergis,
    I deeply Apologize for my delinqunt behavior. As the Americans say, When you gotta go, simply go.
    As far as your car is concerned, it was in my way. I hope the paint rust away were I urinated and you always remeber. I am Mr Piddle.

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