Dear Chocolate Milk

My grandma told me that you came from brown cows. I believed that for a long time. Maybe I still do. I’m not sure. I’ve never seen cows giving chocolate milk. I live in a big city. No cows.

Most parents hate it when their kids order chocolate milk in a restaurant and proceed to blow bubbles in it. I always blew bubbles in my chocolate milk. Restaurant owners must like blowing bubbles in chocolate milk or they wouldn’t provide customers with straws in every glass served.

I rarely buy straws anymore. Not because I don’t like them, but because I always forget to put them on my shopping list. I should start drinking milkshakes again. I’d remember to pick up straws. Milkshakes are hard to drink without a straw.

Anyways, I am writing to tell you that I got too drunk last night while watching one of my favourite Alberta bands. They are called the Dudes. If you had ears I’d suggest that you listen to them. Later, I spent a portion of the night worshiping the porcelain altar, engaging in the big cough. It sucked. In the morning my mouth was dry and my stomache was sore.

I tried some water but it wasn’t delicious enough. So, I drank some chocolate milk and I felt better. Much better.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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Dear Followers of the Church of the Tall Mountain

You have all surrendered your earthly possessions. You have all toiled in our majestic fields. You have all given your wives and daughters to me. You have all wanted nothing but to serve the Spirit of the Tall Mountain. So, I think it you deserve an explanation.

It’s painful to admit (though I’m sure more painful to hear), I made it all up. There is no Spirit of the Tall Mountain and it certainly didn’t speak through me as a divine conduit…even though I claimed it did and punished those who questioned my assertions. I lied.

It started as a bar bet five years ago when my buddy said I didn’t have the dedication to start a cult. Fifty dollars is a pretty serious wager. So, I got started writing a doctrine, designing the nifty Church of the Tall Mountain insignia, sewing the robes wore by my followers at all times, arranging for a private compound in the foothills and so forth. Let me tell you that it was harder than I thought. There were dark times that I didn’t want to go on with the routine affairs that running a cult demands. The constant brainwashings, the daily rituals and rites, the philandering…It all got too much for me. That’s why I decided to quit. I lost my purpose…but I gained $50.

Now, I think I’m going to apply to a techincal college and learn computer drafting. I hear there is good money in the trades these days.

You might be thinking, “Now what do we do?” Well, maybe you should re-connect with the friends and family that you haven’t spoken to in several months and in some cases years…They probably want to hear from you.

Well, take it easy,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Former Supreme Overlord of the Church of Tall Mountain