A Form-Letter to Gain Friends on Internet Social Networks

Hello Fergis Writer Letter Reader,

I’ve decided I want to help you. I want to help you become more popular than you can imagine…but only on the internet.

So use the following letter to gain a slew of anonymous followers on Facebook or Myspace. Just insert your name where ‘Fergis McGillicuddy’ is written. You’ll be better than an academy award winner.

***Letter Starts Now***

The benefits of friendship with Fergis McGillicuddy are myriad.

As a friend of Fergis McGillicuddy:

1. You’ll get to experience life in a brand new and less shameful light. Your attractive new outlook will impress friends and acquaintances.

2. You’ll be guaranteed a position in the ultra-exclusive social club “The Choosers,” featuring equally ultra-members like: (insert super impressive names here) and of course, Fergis McGillicuddy.

3. You’ll smell finer than a mint cat with cotton candy fur. This comes with being able to control your body odor. In case of emergency you’ll be able to generate a foul-stench that renders your enemies anemic and lifeless at will.

4. You’ll cheat death until a hobbled Spaniard claims you owe him a bottle of wine. He’ll be satisfied with the bottle of balsamic vinegar, but his cadre of robot lawyers won’t.

5. You’ll receive reduced insurance premiums, as you won’t be able to be devoured by silver-toothed women, and thus, are understood to live longer by the mystic actuaries that determine insurance premiums.

Don’t let not being friends with Fergis McGillicuddy stand in the way of your dreams any longer!

Join the Fergis McGillicuddy friendship network right away.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

—Paid For By the Friends of the Fergis McGillicuddy Friendship Network—

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A Valentine Message to My Special Someone (Who May Be a Zombie)

I’m not sure how to say this…but I think we need to take a look at our relationship. Valentine’s Day is probably not the best time to sort out our issues but after last night I don’t think I can go on. My family doctor insisted on it actually.

Did you know a bite from a human is extremely dirty? People’s mouths are filled with germs. A bite from a person is likely to become infected if not treated right away. I’ve needed to learn these sorts of things after I started dating you.

It’s weird, but I seem to find large portions of my flesh missing from my body when I wake up in the morning after we’ve gone out drinking.  It hurts to take off and put on clothes when there is open wounds on your arms and chest.

Another thing: I used feel flattered at your continuous mention of my intellect. You’d always be talking about my “brains…brains” while you gnawed on my neck. I’m not that smart. But I’m smart enough to know when to end it.

We had some good times,

Fergis T. McGillcuddy

PS: My buddy Johan really digged your style. Do you want me to give him your number?