To Any Potential Killer Asteroids Floating in the Black Abyss of Space Hoping to Destroy Earth

That’s right…I’m writing to you: Any potential killer asteroids out there, or 99942 Apophis, specifically. I want to let you know that we’ve got great plans brewing that will wish you never traversed the cosmos. I’m so confident that you’ll alter your course after hearing what I’ve got to say that I’m going to spill the beans on mankind’s super-duper action plan.

Are you ready?

Sure?

Really sure? What I’ve got to say will make you crap your pants.

Well…I’m not going to tell you. It surely doesn’t involve nuclear weapons because we know that would create hundreds of killer asteriods from one killer asteroids. Maybe you’ll experience the shame and humilation of a giant tractor beam or a huge magnet altering your orbit. How would you like that? We can choose from a number of ways to show you the smackdown! I bet you’ll be veering off course to some other galaxy at the thought of our mighty scientific powers.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: Chicken! Bawk-Bak-Bak-Bawk!

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