To The Upcoming Simpsons Movie

When I get lonely, I usually find solace in a simple thought. I think to myself, “Someone in North America is watching the Simpsons right now.” Then I think that perhaps a young couple is making love on a couch while a syndicated episode is broadcast with the volume turned low. Then I try to find a channel broadcasting an episode. It never takes long before there is and I leave the television on while I go about my daily routine. Personally, I would never attempt to make love with the Simpsons on television.

In a few minutes, I’ll step out of my house and go to the theatre to see the Simpsons Movie, a film some say has been 12 years overdue. To be honest, I never really thought about a Simpsons movie. I was content to watch reruns and tune in to the occasional fresh episode on Sunday night. Once I heard about it though, the idea of a towering Homer Simpson in a darkened theatre captured my imagination. I began to ponder the possibility that the series could end at any time if one of the core characters vocal actors died. That thought seemed to plague me during countless sleepless nights. So over the past few weeks I’ve been watching reruns nearly every day, usually several times a day—on CBC, Teletoon, and various Fox affiliates.

I, like many of my generation, would be horrified to discover how much time I’ve actually spent watching Simpsons, probably thousands of hours. It’s on right now…The episode where Homer believes the rapture is at hand and meets god.

While most of the population gave up looking forward to new Simpsons a long time ago, this movie is a cultural milestone. It doesn’t even matters if it is good or not. Springfield will exist for two hours on the big screen.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. Mcgillicuddy

Dear Dr. Hoffenblauf

Sometime last week my left eye began twitching involuntarily. It spasms as if a pocket of air is trying to escape. It doesn’t hurt, but is odd to have an eyelid sputtering like a hummingbird.

Somebody told me eye spasms are symptomatic of Iron deficiency, which is likely as my recent diet consists of Cap’n Crunch, Slurpees, Coffee and Irish whiskey. However, from what I’ve read, there is no evidence to link eye twitches to Iron deficiency. Stranger still, many medical experts are at a loss to explain how eye twitches are caused at all. Could it be a voodoo hex? Or aliens beaming their Tivo selections into my brain? The dead attempting communication from the other side?

Please advise,

Fergis McGillicuddy

PS: Please don’t tell me that brain worms are eating their way to the outside world through my peepers. I’d rather have them go through the nasal cavity.