Dear Lululemon “Manifesto”

Recently, a bag told me what to do and what to think. I thought it made some ballsy assertions. Though this is obviously a “wall poster,” one can purchase the same misguided philosophy on a “shoulder bag.”

1. Do one thing a day that scares you.

I just tried crack. Does that count? I had to go to a really freaky part of town to buy it.

2. Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.

What does this even mean? Never end your sentences with a preposition.

3. Life is full of set backs. Success is determined by how you handle setbacks.

This is basically a description of basic economics re-interpreted through the eyes of a new-age marketing department. A sports company could put “the best way to win a game is to score more goals than your opponent” onto their bags. But even hockey players know better.

Here’s some mental jujitsu for you:

4. Don’t trust that an old-age pension will be sufficient. 

Damn right, especially if I’m buying clothes at Lululemon. I better start working 24/7 and my job is so stressful…

5. Stress is related to 99% of illness.

The highly trained medical staff (even the people who take out the garbage at Lululemon have extensive scientific credentials. It’s a little known fact those “yoga studios” are top shelf medical research facilities.) have changed my life! I’m going to quit my job that is obviously conspiring to end my life to do yoga all day. Which will be easy because…

6. Friends are more important than money.

I get it now. I just need to pour my hot bum into a pair of seamless yoga pants and get somebody wealthy enough to pay my way through life. Live Lulu!

7. Listen, listen, listen, and then ask strategic questions.  

Having heard, heard, heard, I’ll ask this question: “Do you actually believe this crap?”

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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23 comments on “Dear Lululemon “Manifesto”

  1. truce says:

    Its the ‘Be Creative’ that really winds me up.

    Some people just aren’t creative, and they should absolutely not be encouraged to ‘give it a go anyway’. Ity may make them feel better, but it puts the rest of us in a tricky situation:

    “What do you think of my watercoloiur sketch of my dog?”

    A: “Honestly? Its bad. Really bad. She looks like road kill. Lay the brush on the floor, ma’am, and step away from the paints”

    or
    B: “Oh that’s lovely, well done you, are you going to frame it?”

    Leave the creativity to those with an aptitude for it, and get back to your Accountancy, darn it.

  2. fergis says:

    That’s the only thing they’ve changed on the shoulder bags. On the shoulder bags it reads “Breathe” ensuring that even the people that shop there can do it without trying.

    Fergis

  3. James says:

    Hi, regardless of the nonsense that is labeled on Lulu’s goods, why do you care? Why the criticism? There are all kinds of confabulated statements printed on many different clothing lines, at the high end, low end, and mid range sales points. It’s put there for looks, style, image, and sales. If you want advice on life, then read a book! Don’t go reading someones hand bag? You actually spent the time to analyze each of the statements printed. You must have a lot of spare time on your hands! Which would explain your discontent with Lulu, as you probably can’t afford the expensive garments, or else you would be at work!

  4. fergis says:

    James,

    A few things:

    1. Why the criticism? Lifestyle marketing is lame.

    2. I wasn’t seeking “advice on life” and I read books.

    3. I couldn’t help reading “someones hand bag [sic]” as it was bright red and since I read books words just kind of jump out at me and pound me with their stupidity. (Nice proofreading there by the way.)

    4. It didn’t take long to “analyze” these statements. About 15 minutes. Bullshit is usually easy to skewer in 15 minutes.

    5. As a successful author, I’m fabulously well-to-do. Still don’t shop at “Lulu.”

    6. You’re a douche.

    Have a nice day James.

    Sincerely,

    Fergis T. McGillicuddy

  5. Grant says:

    Wow, looksy like jamesy can’t see a joke when it slaps its penis on his face.

  6. Chris says:

    this is pure loser talk. spend the time you spend hating on everything, and go get something for yourself!

  7. […] Luluemon Chris Thanks for the response to my previous letter, which […]

  8. […] But you know, who caaaares about money when you’ve got friends! Right Fergis? […]

  9. Tony says:

    The manifesto was created by lululemon founder, Chip Wilson. They are his and have been read by millions. Sadly, only three people read what you write and zero probably really care about what you have to say (wish I could ignore you).

    Your opinions are equally as valid. I just challenge you to stretch your thinking a tiny bit (maybe more). Additionally, you might wanna try the pants – if you can fit into them. I doubt you own anything better.

  10. fergis says:

    Hey Tony!

    Remember that you are not what you own.

    Challenging me to stretch my thinking is pretty rich while you defend mindlessly subscribing to brand loyalty.

    Free yourself from the trappings of consumerism.

    Fergis

    PS: Suck it then head-butt a steak knife, douche.

  11. brandy says:

    LOL! I, who was briefly employed at Lululemon, then fired for having a brain, really appreciated your take on the manifesto. It is all really calculated nonchalance! It is a brilliant marketing strategy that prays upon those who don’t have the ability to think for themselves and see through the bullshit.

  12. tony says:

    you were fired from lululemon? because you have a brain? is that why you spelled “prays” correctly?

    it’s pretty hard to be fired from lulu – congrats.

    damn, there are some dumb bitches in here – you guys need to get laid…

  13. fergis says:

    Are you the Tony from before?

  14. Heather says:

    Bless you for writing this. That manifesto is like Ayn Rand meets “The Secret” meets wino. How does a company get to be this smug? A girl in my office carries around a water bottle with this crap on it and I find it intellectually offensive. I mean, I can deal with it, even though I don’t do yoga – but you know, I’m judging her.

  15. Hollis says:

    Check out this parody of the “manifesto” by someone who had the same reaction as you:
    http://seacowcoalition.com/

  16. SNH says:

    Dear Fergis:

    Ninety-nine percent of all illnesses are related to stress. My advise: breathe.

    Take good care,
    Chip Wilson

    Ps. Thanks for the free advertising!

  17. happy hippie says:

    Wow, Some people are just really unhappy. Stop judgeing and go for what’s for you. I feel that lululemon is a great company. The prices are high but thats with all clothing. Thats why I shop at thrift stores.

    It seems to me that Mr. Fergis needs a hug. The women who posted about the watterbottle in her office…. Really!

    Peace, Love and positive energy….

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  20. Jim says:

    The Quiet Indian: American Yoga, India, and the New Orientalism

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