The Love Letter

Fergis Writes Form Letters

Occasionally weary travellers of the Interweb will stumble upon this humble site with the intention of finding something useful. Until now, they have had to move on to more informative virtual pastures but no longer. Please enjoy the following form letter you-can-use. Though you probably shouldn’t.

The Love Letter:

The aim of the love letter is to make the object of your desire swoon with passionate lust. Since the beginning of flat surfaces and burnt sticks, the love-stricken have used love letters to attract romance.

Though recent studies have indicated cavemen simply masturbated on to the nearest wall to demonstrate their intentions to mate, it’s up to you to decide which is more poetic.

Start by describing the physical features of the recipient and how those features make you feel. Be descriptive and honest. Pour your heart into it and likely there will be something within that resonates with your love-interest.

EXAMPLE:

Hey Baby [or the name if you know it],

When I first saw you at the bar, I nearly crapped my pants. You were that beautiful and probably still are.

After I made it to third base with your best friend in the back of my Saturn, I knew that you were the one to have my heart.

Your lips are like two beautiful hot dogs left on the pavement to curl under the hot summer sun. Your eyes are similar to holes made by a hole-punch in the paper of my crotch. Your ass is like the unresolved court proceedings that drive me crazy, even though the psychiatric evaluation indicates I’m sane enough to stand trial. Your teeth are also mostly straight which is a plus. And you’re totally not fat.

Please meet me at the Econolodge at [insert date and time] wearing the costume attached.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

PS: Can you bring your best friend too? We have some unfinished business together. Wink, wink!

PPS: No cops! Wink, wink!

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The Cover Letter

Fergis Writes Form Letters

Occasionally weary travellers of the Interweb will stumble upon this humble site with the intention of finding something useful. Until now, they have had to move on to more informative virtual pastures but no longer. Please enjoy the following form letter you-can-use. Though you probably shouldn’t.

The Cover Letter:

The cover letter introduces you to prospective employers as the greatest thing that’s going to happen to their company. It’s essential you put your best foot forward, tripping your competition jobseekers, and then stomping them. Obviously, it helps if you wear cleats while you type.

Load the cover letter with POWER verbs to impress job recruiters and potential employers. E.g.: Kidnap, Maim, and Leave-in-Secret-Bunker-in-the-Forest-to-Starve, etcetera. Words and phrases like these underline your willingness to succeed.

Mention you are aware of the potential employer’s address and number of dependents living there (either implicitly or expressly, follow your heart). This demonstrates initiative.

EXAMPLE:

Dear [employer]:

Congratulations [Employer’s Name], you’ve just been chosen by [Your Name] as [Your Name Again]’s employer.
Things are going to change for the better at [Company’s Name]. You’ve just entered the golden age of [Your Name].

Waffling on this matter will result in economic ruin for you and your loved ones (especially your loved ones). I’m not going to detail my previous experience and qualifications. I don’t want to blow your mind.

I’ll be in your office on [Insert Date] to collect my paycheque advance for the sum of [Desired Amount].

Later,

[Your Name]