Dear Makers, Owners and Operators of the Large Hadron Collider

Many members of the public seem to be concerned that today’s experiment will create a miniature black hole. One that will quickly gain energy by devouring matter, growing in size until the entire Earth is vaporised in a terrifyingly cosmic blink-of-an eye.

I am not one of those people. However, I am concerned about monsters.

The big bang created the universe without towering 60 ft. flesh-eating spider squids that excrete flaming acid from leathery tendrils of teeth and fangs, but maybe this new mini-big bang will draw a different number in the monster-possible lottery.

Like others, I’ve heard the repeated assurances the LHC is perfectly safe. You’re the experts… and perhaps the first meals a pan-dimensional Lovecraftian horror has enjoyed in a non-eon. Shub-Niggurath cannot be contained with conventional weaponry, you know.

Enjoy,

Fergis T McGillicuddy

Dear 2007

Hey good lookin’,

It was funny of you to lock me up in a poorly-lit room and force me to sleep nearly 23 hours a day. I don’t hold it against you. There is nothing like ringing in a fresh year with a 16 day hibernation. When I woke up I recalled the start of 2006…apparently I made notes:

Annotated Predictions for 2006:

1. Sale of post-Apocalyptic goggles increases.

My sources tell me this is true. It makes sense…nobody wants to get Mad Max-sand in their eyes while they are trading handjobs for water.

2. George W. sprouts horns and a tail in front of the Washington press Corp. The White House turns red.

Well…George had a rough year. On Jan. 11, 2007 he said the best way to get troops out of Iraq was to order another 21,500 in to Iraq. The he sprouted horns and a tail and spat fireballs at the Washington journalists. However, that was in 2007…so it doesn’t count.

3. Another season of Survivor goes unnoticed.

Is Survivor even on television anymore?

4. Dr. Phil is charged with having sex with a goat.

Is Dr. Phil even on television anymore?

5. That goat is Michael Jackson.

What Dr. Phil and Michael Jackson do with each other under the influence of Pinot Noir and pretty sunsets is their business as far as the public is concerned.

6. China lands on the moon and immediately sets up the first sweatshop in space. It makes American flags.

Turns out the first sweatshop in space makes zero-gravity Mardi Gras beads.

7. I run as a Green party candidate in the next Canadian federal election. The next election will be called as soon as the results of the last election (Jan.23) are returned. I lose to a Conservative moose named Curtis Taxless.

So far—no election. Conservative moose have heavily fortified their interests during incumbency. My chances of election are bleak.

8. Google will start a micronation in the South Pacific. They threaten to remove their search engine from the web unless the UN recognizes their sovereignty. Google-opia is born as Kofi Annan is an avid gmail user.

Sadly YouTube got to it first. It’s pixelated and sort of boring to watch…unless a person is at work.

9. This is the best post of the year.

There were a couple good ones. I like the one about Finola Hackett. She’s spell-tastic.

10. A new style of hat is invented called the trout-stick.

I invented this. I wear it around the house. The prototype needs some work.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To My Internship Coordinator at Journalism School

Hello,

I apologize for the lateness of my reply.

In hindsight, the self-evaluation was overly pessimistic. It was written in a fit of frustration over factors I thought disadvantaged my career in journalism. Lots of festering sores bubbled up unintentionally when I wrote it. I’m a little more calculated now.

I love the news. It a simultaneous source of the world’s most horrible and beautiful events. Today, the Sun published a picture of a bleeding man hurt in a hostage situation alongside at young girl celebrating the birth of the bikini, on the front cover. News is the documented yin and yang of the human condition.

I’m just not sure that I’m the person to create it on a day-to-day basis. I don’t own a vehicle or possess the wish to move to another city. I’m unsure if I’m able to the handle the responsibilities of having those things. I’ll be able to manage it, just not yet.

Thanks for the concern,
Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To the nice people I’ll never see again after I stop going to college

It’s been great. I mean it. We have shared good times.

Lunchlady: Thanks for letting me have a big coffee even though the “egg on a bun” combo dictates a small.

Librarian: Enjoy the drum circles. I like them too.

Carpet Back: My girlfriend hates it when I call you that. I won’t anymore.

Bitchy Nick: Keep on truckn’. Whatever that means.

Mr. Johnston: Hopefully poisonous snakes stay away from you while you’re building schools for poor children.

Low-cut shirt Stephanie: The second floor directly overlooks your work studio downstairs. It amplifies the already thrilling perspective of your shirts. Maybe you should keep that in mind.

To everybody I didn’t include, simply insert your favourite thank you from the preceding thank you’s and call it even.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear unfinished business

Hey good looking! We’ve enjoyed an interdependent relationship for so many years. I feel like I know you like the back of my hand. We met when I tried to finished that novel a couple years back. I thought I was too good for you. What a young fool I was.
This weekend is going to have to be different. I’m sorry. It may hurt you. But let’s be clear… It’s you, not me. External circumstances have forced me to break off our relationship.
I hope you understand. It won’t be long before we meet again, I’m sure.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy