Dear Hillary Clinton

                              

It’s time. Cut your losses and give up the campaign. There are better ways to spend your time.

Head back to one of your multi-million dollar mansions. Re-connect with Bill. Watch some 24 together. Share a romantic meal .

See, the thing is, deep down, you are scary. It’s true. You know it. I know it. And, well, America knows it.

“I’m not scary,” you say. “Look at my track record on human rights, women’s rights, and other rights. etc. etc.”

Yes, that may be true, but you appear as if you want to eat America.

I don’t think that is a quality the majority of Democrats want in a leader.
Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Club-Goers With Their Unhappy Faces On

Occasionally, I’ll put down my pen and glass of bourbon and head for the Avenue for some Whyte night life. There’s nothing quite like waiting outside a club in the Canadian winter for 30 minutes out to consume $6 draft beer and dance a little.

What could be better? Well, there seems to be a growing number of people on the weekends wearing their unhappy faces. These people in the latest styles dancing and drinking while looking as if they just came from a funeral. Don’t worry beautiful sad people, your cat didn’t die in a microwave, your mom still hasn’t found those spring break videos you made after drinking tequila for the first time,  and your boss hasn’t discovered you haven’t finished any work since you’ve started your job. There is no reason to look so upset.

Perhaps some people realize the promise of drunken casual sex and bathroom coke won’t rescue them from themselves, yet continue to engage in the nightlife out of habit. Who knows? Just try to look amused when I throw up on your shoes…

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy