To Club-Goers With Their Unhappy Faces On

Occasionally, I’ll put down my pen and glass of bourbon and head for the Avenue for some Whyte night life. There’s nothing quite like waiting outside a club in the Canadian winter for 30 minutes out to consume $6 draft beer and dance a little.

What could be better? Well, there seems to be a growing number of people on the weekends wearing their unhappy faces. These people in the latest styles dancing and drinking while looking as if they just came from a funeral. Don’t worry beautiful sad people, your cat didn’t die in a microwave, your mom still hasn’t found those spring break videos you made after drinking tequila for the first time,  and your boss hasn’t discovered you haven’t finished any work since you’ve started your job. There is no reason to look so upset.

Perhaps some people realize the promise of drunken casual sex and bathroom coke won’t rescue them from themselves, yet continue to engage in the nightlife out of habit. Who knows? Just try to look amused when I throw up on your shoes…

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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To the Garageband-Curious

Garageband seems good at first.

I took my laptop out of the box and there Garageband was…

“Wow, this thing has got everything…exotic drum beats, lazy acoustic samples, sinister synth tones. This is great,” I thought to myself. “I’ll be pumping out great recordings in a matter of weeks.”

It started innocently enough. The recordings were unlistenable to the ear.

“The magic will happen later,” I would say to myself when my guitar and voice recorded with a built-in mic wouldn’t sound natural against the slick, scientifically-engineered marimba samples.

So I bought a decent mic…

However, before you can interface an XLR input with a computer you need to be a MIDI interface. So I did.

The recordings still sounded ridiculous…so I bought a better acoustic guitar, a fancy pants MIDI controller even a low-grade Swedish home organ. The guitar signal needed to be directly injected into the interface to sound better, so I got a preamp.

Later that month, my credit card bill arrived in two envelopes.

In order to pay my mounting debts I quit my job and started writing music full-time…

That was 14 months ago. A brutal downward spiral followed involving drug-trafficking guitar players, drummers that won’t leave your couch for anything less than 12 beers, vague, shameful memories of college residence party and not a single decent song. Grim, grim things.

Everything has been sold to pay the creditors to avoid lengthy legal proceedings.

Garageband ruins lives! If you want some good advice, give music up in favour of chemical engineering or lion taming, endevours that likely won’t result in bitter disappointment and regret.

Sincerly,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy