The Cover Letter

Fergis Writes Form Letters

Occasionally weary travellers of the Interweb will stumble upon this humble site with the intention of finding something useful. Until now, they have had to move on to more informative virtual pastures but no longer. Please enjoy the following form letter you-can-use. Though you probably shouldn’t.

The Cover Letter:

The cover letter introduces you to prospective employers as the greatest thing that’s going to happen to their company. It’s essential you put your best foot forward, tripping your competition jobseekers, and then stomping them. Obviously, it helps if you wear cleats while you type.

Load the cover letter with POWER verbs to impress job recruiters and potential employers. E.g.: Kidnap, Maim, and Leave-in-Secret-Bunker-in-the-Forest-to-Starve, etcetera. Words and phrases like these underline your willingness to succeed.

Mention you are aware of the potential employer’s address and number of dependents living there (either implicitly or expressly, follow your heart). This demonstrates initiative.

EXAMPLE:

Dear [employer]:

Congratulations [Employer’s Name], you’ve just been chosen by [Your Name] as [Your Name Again]’s employer.
Things are going to change for the better at [Company’s Name]. You’ve just entered the golden age of [Your Name].

Waffling on this matter will result in economic ruin for you and your loved ones (especially your loved ones). I’m not going to detail my previous experience and qualifications. I don’t want to blow your mind.

I’ll be in your office on [Insert Date] to collect my paycheque advance for the sum of [Desired Amount].

Later,

[Your Name]

Dear Johan

It has been far too long my friend, but I’ve been busy working, much to your surprise, I’m sure.

I recently gained employment at a busy media production house. It manufactures postmodern fiction on a daily basis. The company must maintain the swift and timely creation of these fictions to stay in business.

While I enjoy the creative environment, I haven’t done actual work. I’ve spent many hours watching others work. My supervisor calls the time “training.” I’m not sure what to call it. I’ve watched so many tasks completed by others that I am unsure if I would be able to finish anything myself. I’ve managed to develop a persona that veils this uncertainty. I walk around the office very quickly. I keep a determined face. I avoid idle chitchat even while others seem to engage in it incessantly. I’m careful to distance myself from direct observance. I am constantly resolving a pressing responsibility somewhere mysterious.

I am beginning to worry that my persona as “confident multi-task manager” is too effective. It won’t be long before my supervisor expects that I complete actual tasks. You of all people understand how greatly this troubles me. Please advise.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy