Dear Dr. Hoffenblauf

Sometime last week my left eye began twitching involuntarily. It spasms as if a pocket of air is trying to escape. It doesn’t hurt, but is odd to have an eyelid sputtering like a hummingbird.

Somebody told me eye spasms are symptomatic of Iron deficiency, which is likely as my recent diet consists of Cap’n Crunch, Slurpees, Coffee and Irish whiskey. However, from what I’ve read, there is no evidence to link eye twitches to Iron deficiency. Stranger still, many medical experts are at a loss to explain how eye twitches are caused at all. Could it be a voodoo hex? Or aliens beaming their Tivo selections into my brain? The dead attempting communication from the other side?

Please advise,

Fergis McGillicuddy

PS: Please don’t tell me that brain worms are eating their way to the outside world through my peepers. I’d rather have them go through the nasal cavity.