Dear Luluemon Chris

Thanks for the response to my previous letter, which follows:

“this is pure loser talk. spend the time you spend hating on everything, and go get something for yourself!”

It’s obvious you are a sweetheart, so I’ll kindly respond with a few things:

I’m assuming the advice you have graciously provided is coming from a position of experience. I’m assuming you consider yourself a winner. I’m assuming you spend your time not “hating on everything.” I’m assuming you use that time to “go get something for yourself!”

Note: I’m well aware “assuming” makes “asses of you and me.”

That said, I’m sort of confused about the general spirit it was written.

“go get something for yourself”

What does that mean exactly? A glass of water? A large TV? An $82 T-shirt claiming to utilize seaweed to absorb sweat yet does NOT actually contain seaweed? How ’bout a state of enlightened state of nirvana that is free from the burdensome trappings of modern consumer culture.

Note: Yoga does not require an $82 T-Shirt nor seamless pants.

“this is pure loser talk”

First, this is pure loser writing. There is a difference.

Secondly, there is safety in numbers and there will always be more losers than winners. I like that.

Besides, without losers there would be no one to envy you and your winner comrades in your yoga loft engaging in an endless circle jerk to end all circle jerks.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: Words beginning sentences require capitalization. I know you know where the shift key is because you used an exclamation point at the end of your sentence.

PPS: You are a douche.

PPPS: Seriously.

PPPPS: I don’t have anything against circle jerks or yoga even… Just stupidity.

PPPPPS: I think you are stupid.

PPPPPPS: No. Seriously.

Five Fantastic Fergis Facts

1. Fergis wishes to die in a plane crash piloted by John Travolta, but only if he uses the intercom to utter his final words: “Oh my god!”

2. Fergis thinks it is beautiful when fat people have children.

3. Fergis’ favourite historical dictator is Chairman Mao. Coincidentally, Chairman Mao is also his favourite name for a cat. Chairman Meow is his second favourite cat name. Steve is his third.

4. Fergis is unable to add prime numbers in his head.

5. Fergis always cries at the end of Jurassic Park.

To The Commenter Known As “Superman”

Superman:

There is nothing wrong with US President George Bush and Canadian Prime Minster Stephen Harper enjoying the benefit of each other’s companies…and military-industrial complexes.

We’ll never know what kind of strange conversations they have behind steel-reinforced doors, and what we don’t know obviously can’t hurt us.

However, what we do know is Mr. Bush refers to Mr. Harper as “Steve.” Nobody on the planet refers to Stephen Harper as “Steve.” Not publicly, at least. Even the Queen of England calls him Stephen.

I believe Mr. Bush shouldn’t call him Stephen…even when Stephen is wearing his zip-up “outside” vest.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Ham Chedley

My local Rogers has a porno section now! The
convinience! I can rent hardcore porn at the same time
as regular movies and videogames. I don’t need to
leave my house ever again, except to go to and from
the video store. Someone should have thought of this
several years ago.

—Ham Chedley

Dear Ham Chedley

Porno eh? The idea of walking up to the Rogers counter with Gang Bang Sluts 9 or Barely Legal #87 and casually handing it to the clerk named “Troy” or “Lisa : assistant manager” doesn’t seem appealing to me. I can imagine the customers behind in line are clutching their precious copy of The Lake House or whatever along with their kids, while the pervert ahead of them is renting some Dom/Sub whack-off shit. I’m not saying that would be you either. I’m talking about the average suburban family man who will slip said filth into their Lake House-type family movies.

“No, I’m not going to bed honey, I’ve got a lot of work to finish before I can sleep,” says Joseph Family-pants.

“Okay,” says Wifey Family-pants, who learned a long-time ago to not question her Familly-pants husband.

He starts loving really freaky shit. He writes letters and sends gifts to his favourite porn starlets. He rents movies every night. He obsesses over destruction of the rental slips, lest  they fall into the clutches of his massive family and reveal his expanding X-rated tastes. Eventually he succumbs to Porno Madness and leaves his family for a cabin in the hills where he can masturbate constantly. Of course, the video store clerks have seen the tragedy in every phase since the beginning. I doubt Rogers has psychological counselling for the video clerks factored into the franchise operating budget. Nevertheless, I think it is sweet the Rogers rents hardcore.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

A Form-Letter to Gain Friends on Internet Social Networks

Hello Fergis Writer Letter Reader,

I’ve decided I want to help you. I want to help you become more popular than you can imagine…but only on the internet.

So use the following letter to gain a slew of anonymous followers on Facebook or Myspace. Just insert your name where ‘Fergis McGillicuddy’ is written. You’ll be better than an academy award winner.

***Letter Starts Now***

The benefits of friendship with Fergis McGillicuddy are myriad.

As a friend of Fergis McGillicuddy:

1. You’ll get to experience life in a brand new and less shameful light. Your attractive new outlook will impress friends and acquaintances.

2. You’ll be guaranteed a position in the ultra-exclusive social club “The Choosers,” featuring equally ultra-members like: (insert super impressive names here) and of course, Fergis McGillicuddy.

3. You’ll smell finer than a mint cat with cotton candy fur. This comes with being able to control your body odor. In case of emergency you’ll be able to generate a foul-stench that renders your enemies anemic and lifeless at will.

4. You’ll cheat death until a hobbled Spaniard claims you owe him a bottle of wine. He’ll be satisfied with the bottle of balsamic vinegar, but his cadre of robot lawyers won’t.

5. You’ll receive reduced insurance premiums, as you won’t be able to be devoured by silver-toothed women, and thus, are understood to live longer by the mystic actuaries that determine insurance premiums.

Don’t let not being friends with Fergis McGillicuddy stand in the way of your dreams any longer!

Join the Fergis McGillicuddy friendship network right away.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

—Paid For By the Friends of the Fergis McGillicuddy Friendship Network—