To the Garageband-Curious

Garageband seems good at first.

I took my laptop out of the box and there Garageband was…

“Wow, this thing has got everything…exotic drum beats, lazy acoustic samples, sinister synth tones. This is great,” I thought to myself. “I’ll be pumping out great recordings in a matter of weeks.”

It started innocently enough. The recordings were unlistenable to the ear.

“The magic will happen later,” I would say to myself when my guitar and voice recorded with a built-in mic wouldn’t sound natural against the slick, scientifically-engineered marimba samples.

So I bought a decent mic…

However, before you can interface an XLR input with a computer you need to be a MIDI interface. So I did.

The recordings still sounded ridiculous…so I bought a better acoustic guitar, a fancy pants MIDI controller even a low-grade Swedish home organ. The guitar signal needed to be directly injected into the interface to sound better, so I got a preamp.

Later that month, my credit card bill arrived in two envelopes.

In order to pay my mounting debts I quit my job and started writing music full-time…

That was 14 months ago. A brutal downward spiral followed involving drug-trafficking guitar players, drummers that won’t leave your couch for anything less than 12 beers, vague, shameful memories of college residence party and not a single decent song. Grim, grim things.

Everything has been sold to pay the creditors to avoid lengthy legal proceedings.

Garageband ruins lives! If you want some good advice, give music up in favour of chemical engineering or lion taming, endevours that likely won’t result in bitter disappointment and regret.

Sincerly,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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