Dear Britney Spears’ Crotch

You’ve been hanging out lately. That’s cool I guess. I hang out when I’m at home. It’s no big deal though. I don’t have photographers trying to snap pictures of me exiting vehicles. Plus, I don’t normally wear skirts out in pubic. Uh…I mean public.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: Tell the rest of your body to go easy on the post-natal Mojitos.

Dear Fidel Castro

I’ve heard you’ve seen better days. It’s gotten me thinking about the good old days. While I think about the good old days, I like to eat Kraft Dinner. Have you ever enjoyed a bowl of macaroni and cheese? It tastes good. It may not be good for you, but it tastes good. I’d send you a box, but I worry that all those CIA assassination attempts have soured you on packages from strangers. Which is a shame but with the intestinal problems you’ve been having lately, macaroni and cheese probably wouldn’t do you much good. Get better soon so you can visit Canada and drink Havana Club with me in my mansion, though I figure international travel probably isn’t high on your list of priorities.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy