Dear Cough Medicine Jim

Howdy. It’s been a long time. But despite my best efforts we always spend a few days together this time of year. We enjoy some steaming mugs of Neo Citran together, down a Tylenol cough cap and do some DVD-watching. Later, when everything settles down, we listen to some sad music and muse briefly on the nature of the universe. You got some profound insight to share with the world Cough Medicine Jim. But understand our time needs to be short. Any longer and I’d be unable to reintegrate with society.

I’d need to give up my gainful position at the office. Any semblance of an intimate relationship would be obviously unrealistic to pursue. My bank account would slowly dwindle into the red.  I’d eventually succumb beside a lonely dumpster located in downtown Edmonton with a very sticky medicine beard.

When its time to say goodbye, don’t make it harder than it needs to be.

Sincerely,

Fergis

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Dear Bed

This needs to stop.  I am a productive member of society. I can work. I can do more with my life than sleep for 15+ hours a day. The only thing stopping me is you…and a coffee shortage…and maybe a job that requires me to be somewhere at a certain time. Never mind that for the moment. The important thing I need you to do is stop being so damn comfortable. Right now the dial is on 11. It needs to be on seven or I might not be able to wake up one day.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy