A Valentine Message to My Special Someone (Who May Be a Zombie)

I’m not sure how to say this…but I think we need to take a look at our relationship. Valentine’s Day is probably not the best time to sort out our issues but after last night I don’t think I can go on. My family doctor insisted on it actually.

Did you know a bite from a human is extremely dirty? People’s mouths are filled with germs. A bite from a person is likely to become infected if not treated right away. I’ve needed to learn these sorts of things after I started dating you.

It’s weird, but I seem to find large portions of my flesh missing from my body when I wake up in the morning after we’ve gone out drinking.  It hurts to take off and put on clothes when there is open wounds on your arms and chest.

Another thing: I used feel flattered at your continuous mention of my intellect. You’d always be talking about my “brains…brains” while you gnawed on my neck. I’m not that smart. But I’m smart enough to know when to end it.

We had some good times,

Fergis T. McGillcuddy

PS: My buddy Johan really digged your style. Do you want me to give him your number?

To the Mysterious Benefactor Dr. Ben Nnacheta and his Assistant

I understand that you’d like to give me the sum of 850,000 pounds for simply e-mailing your assistant, Mr. Justin Michaels, at justinamichaels102@latinmail.com.

I have some hang-ups over the proposition.

First, you wrote, “I did not forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in that process despite that it failed us at that time.”

I certainly don’t remember assisting you in any process, Dr. Ben Nnacheta, despite your assertions that I have. Is it possible that my good friend Johan has changed his name and acquired a doctorate in my absence?

Second, your assistant Mr. Justin Michaels is using an e-mail provider I’ve never heard of. Latinmail.com? Why doesn’t he use something like hotmail or gmail? I’m not sure how reliable latinmail is. I wouldn’t want my reply to be missed.

Finally, as a writer I’m independently wealthy beyond your greatest dreams, so Dr. Nnacheta, if that is your real name, you can keep your money, as it will help you more than me.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: Johan, I’m on to you.

Dear Johan

It has been far too long my friend, but I’ve been busy working, much to your surprise, I’m sure.

I recently gained employment at a busy media production house. It manufactures postmodern fiction on a daily basis. The company must maintain the swift and timely creation of these fictions to stay in business.

While I enjoy the creative environment, I haven’t done actual work. I’ve spent many hours watching others work. My supervisor calls the time “training.” I’m not sure what to call it. I’ve watched so many tasks completed by others that I am unsure if I would be able to finish anything myself. I’ve managed to develop a persona that veils this uncertainty. I walk around the office very quickly. I keep a determined face. I avoid idle chitchat even while others seem to engage in it incessantly. I’m careful to distance myself from direct observance. I am constantly resolving a pressing responsibility somewhere mysterious.

I am beginning to worry that my persona as “confident multi-task manager” is too effective. It won’t be long before my supervisor expects that I complete actual tasks. You of all people understand how greatly this troubles me. Please advise.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy