Day 3

10:48 am: I wake from what feels like the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. This is surprising. The room I’m in does not have blinds or drapes and the sun is blinding.

12:21 pm: Buy guitar strings. Then go to a thrift store. Find a copy of Pierre Berton’s The Joy of Writing. It’s so funny to see “joy” and “writing” in the same sentence. Berton wrote an average of 10,000 words a day while working for the Toronto Star.

1:25 pm: Read the Vatican backs The Blues Brothers as a Catholic film. Okay, sure Vatican.

2:51 pm: Inside Superstore. One of the ones with a gym, hair salon, bank, and a restaurant. Like a city unto its self. I try to imagine (as I walk past the live crabs and lobsters) the kind of person that would shop, work out and bank all at Superstore. I am unable to come up with a picture.

There is a grey blank where a character should be. See a clerk that looks like Henry Winkler. Jesus, where is the quinoa?

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Dear 2007

Hey good lookin’,

It was funny of you to lock me up in a poorly-lit room and force me to sleep nearly 23 hours a day. I don’t hold it against you. There is nothing like ringing in a fresh year with a 16 day hibernation. When I woke up I recalled the start of 2006…apparently I made notes:

Annotated Predictions for 2006:

1. Sale of post-Apocalyptic goggles increases.

My sources tell me this is true. It makes sense…nobody wants to get Mad Max-sand in their eyes while they are trading handjobs for water.

2. George W. sprouts horns and a tail in front of the Washington press Corp. The White House turns red.

Well…George had a rough year. On Jan. 11, 2007 he said the best way to get troops out of Iraq was to order another 21,500 in to Iraq. The he sprouted horns and a tail and spat fireballs at the Washington journalists. However, that was in 2007…so it doesn’t count.

3. Another season of Survivor goes unnoticed.

Is Survivor even on television anymore?

4. Dr. Phil is charged with having sex with a goat.

Is Dr. Phil even on television anymore?

5. That goat is Michael Jackson.

What Dr. Phil and Michael Jackson do with each other under the influence of Pinot Noir and pretty sunsets is their business as far as the public is concerned.

6. China lands on the moon and immediately sets up the first sweatshop in space. It makes American flags.

Turns out the first sweatshop in space makes zero-gravity Mardi Gras beads.

7. I run as a Green party candidate in the next Canadian federal election. The next election will be called as soon as the results of the last election (Jan.23) are returned. I lose to a Conservative moose named Curtis Taxless.

So far—no election. Conservative moose have heavily fortified their interests during incumbency. My chances of election are bleak.

8. Google will start a micronation in the South Pacific. They threaten to remove their search engine from the web unless the UN recognizes their sovereignty. Google-opia is born as Kofi Annan is an avid gmail user.

Sadly YouTube got to it first. It’s pixelated and sort of boring to watch…unless a person is at work.

9. This is the best post of the year.

There were a couple good ones. I like the one about Finola Hackett. She’s spell-tastic.

10. A new style of hat is invented called the trout-stick.

I invented this. I wear it around the house. The prototype needs some work.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To My Internship Coordinator at Journalism School

Hello,

I apologize for the lateness of my reply.

In hindsight, the self-evaluation was overly pessimistic. It was written in a fit of frustration over factors I thought disadvantaged my career in journalism. Lots of festering sores bubbled up unintentionally when I wrote it. I’m a little more calculated now.

I love the news. It a simultaneous source of the world’s most horrible and beautiful events. Today, the Sun published a picture of a bleeding man hurt in a hostage situation alongside at young girl celebrating the birth of the bikini, on the front cover. News is the documented yin and yang of the human condition.

I’m just not sure that I’m the person to create it on a day-to-day basis. I don’t own a vehicle or possess the wish to move to another city. I’m unsure if I’m able to the handle the responsibilities of having those things. I’ll be able to manage it, just not yet.

Thanks for the concern,
Fergis T. McGillicuddy