6:04 pm: After a long day at work, I fantasize in great detail about my future career as ne0-bard that synopsizes films I remember to the citizens of the ramshakle hobo camps for water and food. Then I think it is going to be a long night.
1. Fergis wishes to die in a plane crash piloted by John Travolta, but only if he uses the intercom to utter his final words: “Oh my god!”
2. Fergis thinks it is beautiful when fat people have children.
3. Fergis’ favourite historical dictator is Chairman Mao. Coincidentally, Chairman Mao is also his favourite name for a cat. Chairman Meow is his second favourite cat name. Steve is his third.
4. Fergis is unable to add prime numbers in his head.
5. Fergis always cries at the end of Jurassic Park.
It seems as though you took my advice and made Rush Hour 3. Congratulations on that. You, like a Hollywood Nostradamus, were able to predict Chris Tucker’s meteoric rise to celebrity A-list fame and capitalise on it. Who knew he’d be in so many wonderful films since…uh…wait…It turns out Tucker hasn’t been in any movies
since Rush Hour 2. Now that the Rush Hour thrillogy is complete, Tucker will be able to remove the elastic bands you’ve forced him to wear on his scrotum during the last six years. Why else would his eyes be so wide? I bet you kept him in a cage in your basement.
Now he can finally start work on his dream—self-producing/directing /acting an updated adaptation of Lorraine Hansberry’s classic play A Raisin in the Sun.
“Damn my eggs…damn all the eggs that ever was!” he’ll shout.
I can see it now. It will be glorious.
I think it is prudent to mention that I’ll never see Rush Hour 3 if I can help it. I’ll certainly never pay to see it. I’ve seen the syndicated episodes of Friends that you’ve stolen Rush Hour’s brand of “humour” from.
After X-Men 3: The Last Stand, I thought it was the worst movie I’d seen in a while. So by default, you were the worst director of recent memory. Now, I realize you may be the worst director in history.
So you turned down an opportunity to direct Ocean’s Eleven citing that you’ve got no interest in making “little movies.” Instead, you’d like to remake Ocean’s Eleven with an all-Black cast, with the characters playing janitors instead of thieves. What planet are you from again?
Now I realize my previous advice was wrong. I’ll offer a new piece of advice—please throw all your cameras, director-chairs and crew jackets off a cliff, ensuring you tether something particularly heavy on to your legs beforehand, you evil monster.
Fergis T. McGillicuddy
When I get lonely, I usually find solace in a simple thought. I think to myself, “Someone in North America is watching the Simpsons right now.” Then I think that perhaps a young couple is making love on a couch while a syndicated episode is broadcast with the volume turned low. Then I try to find a channel broadcasting an episode. It never takes long before there is and I leave the television on while I go about my daily routine. Personally, I would never attempt to make love with the Simpsons on television.
In a few minutes, I’ll step out of my house and go to the theatre to see the Simpsons Movie, a film some say has been 12 years overdue. To be honest, I never really thought about a Simpsons movie. I was content to watch reruns and tune in to the occasional fresh episode on Sunday night. Once I heard about it though, the idea of a towering Homer Simpson in a darkened theatre captured my imagination. I began to ponder the possibility that the series could end at any time if one of the core characters vocal actors died. That thought seemed to plague me during countless sleepless nights. So over the past few weeks I’ve been watching reruns nearly every day, usually several times a day—on CBC, Teletoon, and various Fox affiliates.
I, like many of my generation, would be horrified to discover how much time I’ve actually spent watching Simpsons, probably thousands of hours. It’s on right now…The episode where Homer believes the rapture is at hand and meets god.
While most of the population gave up looking forward to new Simpsons a long time ago, this movie is a cultural milestone. It doesn’t even matters if it is good or not. Springfield will exist for two hours on the big screen.
Fergis T. Mcgillicuddy
My local Rogers has a porno section now! The
convinience! I can rent hardcore porn at the same time
as regular movies and videogames. I don’t need to
leave my house ever again, except to go to and from
the video store. Someone should have thought of this
several years ago.
Dear Ham Chedley
Porno eh? The idea of walking up to the Rogers counter with Gang Bang Sluts 9 or Barely Legal #87 and casually handing it to the clerk named “Troy” or “Lisa : assistant manager” doesn’t seem appealing to me. I can imagine the customers behind in line are clutching their precious copy of The Lake House or whatever along with their kids, while the pervert ahead of them is renting some Dom/Sub whack-off shit. I’m not saying that would be you either. I’m talking about the average suburban family man who will slip said filth into their Lake House-type family movies.
“No, I’m not going to bed honey, I’ve got a lot of work to finish before I can sleep,” says Joseph Family-pants.
“Okay,” says Wifey Family-pants, who learned a long-time ago to not question her Familly-pants husband.
He starts loving really freaky shit. He writes letters and sends gifts to his favourite porn starlets. He rents movies every night. He obsesses over destruction of the rental slips, lest they fall into the clutches of his massive family and reveal his expanding X-rated tastes. Eventually he succumbs to Porno Madness and leaves his family for a cabin in the hills where he can masturbate constantly. Of course, the video store clerks have seen the tragedy in every phase since the beginning. I doubt Rogers has psychological counselling for the video clerks factored into the franchise operating budget. Nevertheless, I think it is sweet the Rogers rents hardcore.
Fergis T. McGillicuddy
After dealing with insomina, I happened to witness a brief glimpse of how great television can be...
It was the spinning propeller that really did it for me. I couldn't deny the other towering structures designed and manufactured to test the limits of the human body, the math-game waterdump, the lightbulb hand-over-hand cross...
I still can't cope with the shock you delivered to my system.
Fergis T. McGillicuddy
I’m sure it pains you to hear this but your career for me began and ended with Captain Ron.