To Any Potential Killer Asteroids Floating in the Black Abyss of Space Hoping to Destroy Earth

That’s right…I’m writing to you: Any potential killer asteroids out there, or 99942 Apophis, specifically. I want to let you know that we’ve got great plans brewing that will wish you never traversed the cosmos. I’m so confident that you’ll alter your course after hearing what I’ve got to say that I’m going to spill the beans on mankind’s super-duper action plan.

Are you ready?


Really sure? What I’ve got to say will make you crap your pants.

Well…I’m not going to tell you. It surely doesn’t involve nuclear weapons because we know that would create hundreds of killer asteriods from one killer asteroids. Maybe you’ll experience the shame and humilation of a giant tractor beam or a huge magnet altering your orbit. How would you like that? We can choose from a number of ways to show you the smackdown! I bet you’ll be veering off course to some other galaxy at the thought of our mighty scientific powers.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: Chicken! Bawk-Bak-Bak-Bawk!

Dear Pluto

It has been a sweet 75 years but the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has spoken. You have been cut.
I understand it seems harsh to be cast out of the planet club, but you need to understand that we like our planets big and you have a long way to go little buddy. Several moons are bigger than you are and the IAU isn’t making them planets. See, the IAU is interested in celestial bodies with massive gravity that could crush spacecraft and the bodies of astronauts into tiny balls of matter. The IAU is not interested in a place where gravity allows a person to throw a football that can circumnavigate the surface, allowing the thrower to catch his or her own tosses. That’s insane.

Sure your surface temperature averages -375˚ C. but Canada is a fucking cold country too. We still play football.

So you can take your poisonous atmosphere mostly made of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide along with your wonky orbit and hit the road.


Fergis T. McGillicuddy