Dear Pluto

It has been a sweet 75 years but the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has spoken. You have been cut.
I understand it seems harsh to be cast out of the planet club, but you need to understand that we like our planets big and you have a long way to go little buddy. Several moons are bigger than you are and the IAU isn’t making them planets. See, the IAU is interested in celestial bodies with massive gravity that could crush spacecraft and the bodies of astronauts into tiny balls of matter. The IAU is not interested in a place where gravity allows a person to throw a football that can circumnavigate the surface, allowing the thrower to catch his or her own tosses. That’s insane.

Sure your surface temperature averages -375˚ C. but Canada is a fucking cold country too. We still play football.

So you can take your poisonous atmosphere mostly made of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide along with your wonky orbit and hit the road.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy