Dear Hon. Health and Wellness of Alberta Minister Ron Liepert:

According to recent statistics, Health and Wellness is spending $13.2 billion in 2008-09, equalling about $3771 for every person in the province.

I’ve done some calculations and I believe I’ve come up with an actionable “Made-in Alberta” solution to our health care crisis that will both increase system accessibly and reduce patient wait times.

The best part: It only requires two elements, both inexpensive and efficient.

A basic 16 oz. claw hammer from Home Depot retails for $6.27, tax included. A burlap sack costs around $2, even less if you buy in bulk. Call it the “fourth way.”

One hammer and sack for each man, woman and child in Alberta would only require an expenditure of about a half a million dollars ($423,216 to be exact). Apparently the province currently spends $1.5 million on health care every hour.

Treatment by medical specialists could begin almost immediately as a patient was brought to the facility, which wouldn’t need to be a hospital anymore. A warehouse or vacant lot would suffice.

The massive savings could then be passed on to truly essential expenditures, like ministerial pay hikes.

Surely a number of Albertans will be dismayed by this startlingly innovative method of health care delivery. I believe a simple ad campaign would assuage their fears and misconceptions. I’d suggest a cheeky print-based campaign centred on the slogan: “Get in the sack with Alberta Health and Wellness.”

As evidenced by your deft handling of the recent super board imposition and the like, I believe you are the forward-thinking leader that can will implement an efficient governance structure for a flexible and responsive health system of the 21st century. A hammer and a burlap sack is that system.

Cheers,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Hillary Clinton

                              

It’s time. Cut your losses and give up the campaign. There are better ways to spend your time.

Head back to one of your multi-million dollar mansions. Re-connect with Bill. Watch some 24 together. Share a romantic meal .

See, the thing is, deep down, you are scary. It’s true. You know it. I know it. And, well, America knows it.

“I’m not scary,” you say. “Look at my track record on human rights, women’s rights, and other rights. etc. etc.”

Yes, that may be true, but you appear as if you want to eat America.

I don’t think that is a quality the majority of Democrats want in a leader.
Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To The Commenter Known As “Superman”

Superman:

There is nothing wrong with US President George Bush and Canadian Prime Minster Stephen Harper enjoying the benefit of each other’s companies…and military-industrial complexes.

We’ll never know what kind of strange conversations they have behind steel-reinforced doors, and what we don’t know obviously can’t hurt us.

However, what we do know is Mr. Bush refers to Mr. Harper as “Steve.” Nobody on the planet refers to Stephen Harper as “Steve.” Not publicly, at least. Even the Queen of England calls him Stephen.

I believe Mr. Bush shouldn’t call him Stephen…even when Stephen is wearing his zip-up “outside” vest.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Lindsay Lohan

Please don’t travel to Iraq. You have been chosen by the cosmos to be able to afford not having to worry about anything. Lindsay, people die in Iraq. Did you know that? And not from old age either, but from car bombs, bullet wounds and fire. Are these the sorts of people you want to perform for? Why not make another movie about a talking car instead. Don’t worry your pretty head about things like “politics” or “the news.” Just do some coke, drink some expensive vodka and bitch about Paris Hilton.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Open Letter to the End of the World

There are those that believe that the end of the world is at hand. Well, maybe it is. There is certainly no lack of suffering. I’ve got to tell you, the evangelists are getting to me though. They speak about the Rapture like it is right around the corner. Both you and I know that this is not the case. There is another decent 10 years in the globe left, right?

When I was 18, I’d down painkillers with shots of hard liquor and watch the television coverage of the Iraq invasion. I was really worried back then. I figured that Canada was about as much a danger to the States as Iraq at the time, so, following that logic, I figured we were as much a target.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Environment Minister Rona Ambrose

I’ve heard about the altercation at the LRT station this afternoon. How rude of those protesters! You were simply trying to put together a nice publicity stunt for Clean Air Day to avoid growing anger towards the government’s position on Kyoto. How dare they be concerned with your business.

I guess you couldn’t take the train and had to get the RCMP to drive you in a black van. I’d be afraid of being shot by climate change activists. I mean, anybody that listens to Phish must be dangerous.

At least now that the day is over you can hop into your Buick Rendevous and burn the 45-minute drive home with the air-conditioning on the entire time.

Alas, nobody understands you Rona.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy