Dear Swiftcover Insurance, and by extension, Iggy Pop

Swiftcover, the madness must stop.

When I’m watching television, every time the scheduled programing ends, there’s Iggy Pop, angry and shouting about insurance.

Swiftcover, no matter how much ad-time you’ve purchased, it won’t make your insurance products any more interesting to the general public.

Why do you believe a gaunt, sinewy rock star that resembles a breast-less Wicked Witch of the West is the best possible face for your company? Your company is not that rebellious or it wouldn’t be turning a profit.

You’d be better off having the gnarled wreckage of  car with the spongy crimson remains of a driver hanging out of it with bottle of Jack Daniels in one barely-attached hand as a spokesthing. The wails of the family choking to death on each other’s vomited blood in a crushed minivan opposite would be preferable to hearing Iggy Pop utter, “It’s time to r-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-d-d-d-d-e” ever again.

Just so you know…

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Johan

It has been far too long my friend, but I’ve been busy working, much to your surprise, I’m sure.

I recently gained employment at a busy media production house. It manufactures postmodern fiction on a daily basis. The company must maintain the swift and timely creation of these fictions to stay in business.

While I enjoy the creative environment, I haven’t done actual work. I’ve spent many hours watching others work. My supervisor calls the time “training.” I’m not sure what to call it. I’ve watched so many tasks completed by others that I am unsure if I would be able to finish anything myself. I’ve managed to develop a persona that veils this uncertainty. I walk around the office very quickly. I keep a determined face. I avoid idle chitchat even while others seem to engage in it incessantly. I’m careful to distance myself from direct observance. I am constantly resolving a pressing responsibility somewhere mysterious.

I am beginning to worry that my persona as “confident multi-task manager” is too effective. It won’t be long before my supervisor expects that I complete actual tasks. You of all people understand how greatly this troubles me. Please advise.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy