Dear Ham Chedley

My local Rogers has a porno section now! The
convinience! I can rent hardcore porn at the same time
as regular movies and videogames. I don’t need to
leave my house ever again, except to go to and from
the video store. Someone should have thought of this
several years ago.

—Ham Chedley

Dear Ham Chedley

Porno eh? The idea of walking up to the Rogers counter with Gang Bang Sluts 9 or Barely Legal #87 and casually handing it to the clerk named “Troy” or “Lisa : assistant manager” doesn’t seem appealing to me. I can imagine the customers behind in line are clutching their precious copy of The Lake House or whatever along with their kids, while the pervert ahead of them is renting some Dom/Sub whack-off shit. I’m not saying that would be you either. I’m talking about the average suburban family man who will slip said filth into their Lake House-type family movies.

“No, I’m not going to bed honey, I’ve got a lot of work to finish before I can sleep,” says Joseph Family-pants.

“Okay,” says Wifey Family-pants, who learned a long-time ago to not question her Familly-pants husband.

He starts loving really freaky shit. He writes letters and sends gifts to his favourite porn starlets. He rents movies every night. He obsesses over destruction of the rental slips, lest  they fall into the clutches of his massive family and reveal his expanding X-rated tastes. Eventually he succumbs to Porno Madness and leaves his family for a cabin in the hills where he can masturbate constantly. Of course, the video store clerks have seen the tragedy in every phase since the beginning. I doubt Rogers has psychological counselling for the video clerks factored into the franchise operating budget. Nevertheless, I think it is sweet the Rogers rents hardcore.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Open Letter to Searchers of Various Literary Pornography

These have been very busy days in these parts; there are many visitors. I like it.
However, I feel I must apologize to the people searching for “16 17 18 underwear models [sic]” or “sizzling redheads” for the absence of said querries. It’s partially my fault for writing to penthouse and not including anything the least bit “hot” or “erotic.” I thought I was being clever. Also, I’d like to mention that the real Penthouse Forum shouldn’t be that difficult to find. While there, you can use your credit card to pay for all sorts of smutty literature. Hell, there’s a public library in your city or town that lets people borrow books like that for the low price of a membership.

I suppose I should be flattered…and I am, but the truth is I can’t write erotica. I tried once and it was embarrassing. So now, I merely parody it in a poor manner.

Sorry again,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Environment Minister Rona Ambrose

I’ve heard about the altercation at the LRT station this afternoon. How rude of those protesters! You were simply trying to put together a nice publicity stunt for Clean Air Day to avoid growing anger towards the government’s position on Kyoto. How dare they be concerned with your business.

I guess you couldn’t take the train and had to get the RCMP to drive you in a black van. I’d be afraid of being shot by climate change activists. I mean, anybody that listens to Phish must be dangerous.

At least now that the day is over you can hop into your Buick Rendevous and burn the 45-minute drive home with the air-conditioning on the entire time.

Alas, nobody understands you Rona.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To the tax-return person

Procrastination is a funny thing. It takes control at the worst times, despite one’s best intentions. I guess that’s not that funny. It sucks.

That’s why I’m sorry I didn’t file sooner. I’m a procrastinator.

You’ll notice some claims that might strike you as suspicious. For instance, I’ve taped hundreds of liquor store receipts together and claimed them as work expense. Alcohol consumption is a prerequisite as a journalist. Also, you’ll see that I’ve claimed a number of square feet as a second residence. It is actually a bomb shelter I’ve started in the backyard. This is also a requirement for a member of the press. The same goes for pornography. This is simply the nature of things.

I’m sure you claim a number of things that may seem bizarre to outsiders when you do your own taxes. This is to be expected.

I won’t judge you harshly for it, so you shouldn’t audit me. Deal?

Truly,
Fergis T. McGillicuddy