Dear Tiger Woods

This letter is to offer my services as a public relations consultant. I would work for far less pay than the PR firm you have been employing so far and, if you don’t mind me saying, offer superior results.

Tomorrow, this is all you need to say:

“Hey everybody. I just wanted to you to know that I’ve had a great couple months here. The nursing staff have been so attentive and great. I’ll be golfing again soon. Rest assured, I’ll destroy the competition. That’s it. Thanks again to the nursing staff…”

3-Day Madness Ahead

This just in:

3-Day Novel Contest Finalists

I sound like a dumbass and I’m pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, well just the parts that make me sound like a pussy-hungry pervert. But then again, what writer isn’t sex-hungry?:

A recent graduate of Grant MacEwan’s journalism program, Tyler Morency’s start in writing came out of simple practicality: “I started writing when I was a young lad with a sickly childhood and realized sports was not going to be the way I could get laid.”

A veteran 3-Day Novel Contest finalist, Tyler offers the following description of his experience: “Hellacious, terrifying, shameful, disappointing and thrilling; anyone who says otherwise hasn’t attempted the 3-Day Novel Contest before.”

A freelance journalist, Tyler’s accustomed to tight deadlines. “I’m interested to see how the other writers hold up under the intense pressure of the camera people, the rubberneckers, and the looming deadline monster,” says Tyler. “At the beginning you’re filled with an optimism you could actually see this through…By day three you’re very tired and your story doesn’t make any sense and your dialogue is shite. It’s very easy to become critical of yourself and your ability as a wordsmith.”