The Cover Letter

Fergis Writes Form Letters

Occasionally weary travellers of the Interweb will stumble upon this humble site with the intention of finding something useful. Until now, they have had to move on to more informative virtual pastures but no longer. Please enjoy the following form letter you-can-use. Though you probably shouldn’t.

The Cover Letter:

The cover letter introduces you to prospective employers as the greatest thing that’s going to happen to their company. It’s essential you put your best foot forward, tripping your competition jobseekers, and then stomping them. Obviously, it helps if you wear cleats while you type.

Load the cover letter with POWER verbs to impress job recruiters and potential employers. E.g.: Kidnap, Maim, and Leave-in-Secret-Bunker-in-the-Forest-to-Starve, etcetera. Words and phrases like these underline your willingness to succeed.

Mention you are aware of the potential employer’s address and number of dependents living there (either implicitly or expressly, follow your heart). This demonstrates initiative.

EXAMPLE:

Dear [employer]:

Congratulations [Employer’s Name], you’ve just been chosen by [Your Name] as [Your Name Again]’s employer.
Things are going to change for the better at [Company’s Name]. You’ve just entered the golden age of [Your Name].

Waffling on this matter will result in economic ruin for you and your loved ones (especially your loved ones). I’m not going to detail my previous experience and qualifications. I don’t want to blow your mind.

I’ll be in your office on [Insert Date] to collect my paycheque advance for the sum of [Desired Amount].

Later,

[Your Name]

Dear Letting Agents, You Corrupt, Slime-Mongering Vampires

Repent for your sins!

With the credit crunch forcing cash-strapped Britons to abandon ownership of their shoebox-sized homes for actual shoe boxes, nobody is happier than you, the stygian-souled Letting Agent.

“Wait,” you say. “I provide an essential service that assists both inept landlords and overwhelmed tenants navigate the all-too tasking world of property lettings.”

Ha. What wretched things you must imagine while you pleasure yourself to sleep on a huge pile of your victims’ sorrow.

I’ll always remember the way “Bruce” showed me around the “suite” mentioning the extra-environmental heating system, the new coat of paint, the brand new furnishings… then casually mentioning the small matter of the agency fee: £240… for 15 minutes of “work.” Ah, that’s how you can afford that new BMW.

It should provide me a bit of solace to think that a few people are profiting off the misfortune of others… but it doesn’t.

Cheers,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Makers, Owners and Operators of the Large Hadron Collider

Many members of the public seem to be concerned that today’s experiment will create a miniature black hole. One that will quickly gain energy by devouring matter, growing in size until the entire Earth is vaporised in a terrifyingly cosmic blink-of-an eye.

I am not one of those people. However, I am concerned about monsters.

The big bang created the universe without towering 60 ft. flesh-eating spider squids that excrete flaming acid from leathery tendrils of teeth and fangs, but maybe this new mini-big bang will draw a different number in the monster-possible lottery.

Like others, I’ve heard the repeated assurances the LHC is perfectly safe. You’re the experts… and perhaps the first meals a pan-dimensional Lovecraftian horror has enjoyed in a non-eon. Shub-Niggurath cannot be contained with conventional weaponry, you know.

Enjoy,

Fergis T McGillicuddy

Dear Hon. Health and Wellness of Alberta Minister Ron Liepert:

According to recent statistics, Health and Wellness is spending $13.2 billion in 2008-09, equalling about $3771 for every person in the province.

I’ve done some calculations and I believe I’ve come up with an actionable “Made-in Alberta” solution to our health care crisis that will both increase system accessibly and reduce patient wait times.

The best part: It only requires two elements, both inexpensive and efficient.

A basic 16 oz. claw hammer from Home Depot retails for $6.27, tax included. A burlap sack costs around $2, even less if you buy in bulk. Call it the “fourth way.”

One hammer and sack for each man, woman and child in Alberta would only require an expenditure of about a half a million dollars ($423,216 to be exact). Apparently the province currently spends $1.5 million on health care every hour.

Treatment by medical specialists could begin almost immediately as a patient was brought to the facility, which wouldn’t need to be a hospital anymore. A warehouse or vacant lot would suffice.

The massive savings could then be passed on to truly essential expenditures, like ministerial pay hikes.

Surely a number of Albertans will be dismayed by this startlingly innovative method of health care delivery. I believe a simple ad campaign would assuage their fears and misconceptions. I’d suggest a cheeky print-based campaign centred on the slogan: “Get in the sack with Alberta Health and Wellness.”

As evidenced by your deft handling of the recent super board imposition and the like, I believe you are the forward-thinking leader that can will implement an efficient governance structure for a flexible and responsive health system of the 21st century. A hammer and a burlap sack is that system.

Cheers,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Luluemon Chris

Thanks for the response to my previous letter, which follows:

“this is pure loser talk. spend the time you spend hating on everything, and go get something for yourself!”

It’s obvious you are a sweetheart, so I’ll kindly respond with a few things:

I’m assuming the advice you have graciously provided is coming from a position of experience. I’m assuming you consider yourself a winner. I’m assuming you spend your time not “hating on everything.” I’m assuming you use that time to “go get something for yourself!”

Note: I’m well aware “assuming” makes “asses of you and me.”

That said, I’m sort of confused about the general spirit it was written.

“go get something for yourself”

What does that mean exactly? A glass of water? A large TV? An $82 T-shirt claiming to utilize seaweed to absorb sweat yet does NOT actually contain seaweed? How ’bout a state of enlightened state of nirvana that is free from the burdensome trappings of modern consumer culture.

Note: Yoga does not require an $82 T-Shirt nor seamless pants.

“this is pure loser talk”

First, this is pure loser writing. There is a difference.

Secondly, there is safety in numbers and there will always be more losers than winners. I like that.

Besides, without losers there would be no one to envy you and your winner comrades in your yoga loft engaging in an endless circle jerk to end all circle jerks.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: Words beginning sentences require capitalization. I know you know where the shift key is because you used an exclamation point at the end of your sentence.

PPS: You are a douche.

PPPS: Seriously.

PPPPS: I don’t have anything against circle jerks or yoga even… Just stupidity.

PPPPPS: I think you are stupid.

PPPPPPS: No. Seriously.

Dear Leprechauns

This year is the year. Come March 17, I won’t fall for the old “your shoelaces are untied” a second time. Nah, this year I’m stylin’ velcro and you’ll have plenty of time to scope out my snazzy kicks while I’m shaking you upside down, emptying your pockets of their gold and Lucky Charms.

I’ve been practicing my Leprechaun freezing stare, boning up on Leprechaun reverse-psychology and I’ve been running the scenario over and over in my brain.

I remember one year, I thought I’d done it, I was elated, I’d finally caught one of you mangy buggers.

I’d gone to take out the garbage, noticed some suspicious movement by one of the bins, went to investigate and saw a tiny little bearded humanoid.

“Ha! Finally!” I screamed. “Take me to your gold! You can’t move while I stare at you cobbler!”

“No dude. You’re thinking of leprechauns. I’m a Clurichaun.”

I was devastated. A quick look at its grease-stained, tiny blue jeans and miniature leather jacket with accompanying pompadour confirmed he was surely not a leprechaun. It got me very smashed on its mystical wine as a consolation. But I could tell the it did it so out of pity and not camaraderie.

Leprechauns beware.  I’m not going to be denied.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Hillary Clinton

                              

It’s time. Cut your losses and give up the campaign. There are better ways to spend your time.

Head back to one of your multi-million dollar mansions. Re-connect with Bill. Watch some 24 together. Share a romantic meal .

See, the thing is, deep down, you are scary. It’s true. You know it. I know it. And, well, America knows it.

“I’m not scary,” you say. “Look at my track record on human rights, women’s rights, and other rights. etc. etc.”

Yes, that may be true, but you appear as if you want to eat America.

I don’t think that is a quality the majority of Democrats want in a leader.
Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy