To the tax-return person

Procrastination is a funny thing. It takes control at the worst times, despite one’s best intentions. I guess that’s not that funny. It sucks.

That’s why I’m sorry I didn’t file sooner. I’m a procrastinator.

You’ll notice some claims that might strike you as suspicious. For instance, I’ve taped hundreds of liquor store receipts together and claimed them as work expense. Alcohol consumption is a prerequisite as a journalist. Also, you’ll see that I’ve claimed a number of square feet as a second residence. It is actually a bomb shelter I’ve started in the backyard. This is also a requirement for a member of the press. The same goes for pornography. This is simply the nature of things.

I’m sure you claim a number of things that may seem bizarre to outsiders when you do your own taxes. This is to be expected.

I won’t judge you harshly for it, so you shouldn’t audit me. Deal?

Fergis T. McGillicuddy