Dear Makers, Owners and Operators of the Large Hadron Collider

Many members of the public seem to be concerned that today’s experiment will create a miniature black hole. One that will quickly gain energy by devouring matter, growing in size until the entire Earth is vaporised in a terrifyingly cosmic blink-of-an eye.

I am not one of those people. However, I am concerned about monsters.

The big bang created the universe without towering 60 ft. flesh-eating spider squids that excrete flaming acid from leathery tendrils of teeth and fangs, but maybe this new mini-big bang will draw a different number in the monster-possible lottery.

Like others, I’ve heard the repeated assurances the LHC is perfectly safe. You’re the experts… and perhaps the first meals a pan-dimensional Lovecraftian horror has enjoyed in a non-eon. Shub-Niggurath cannot be contained with conventional weaponry, you know.

Enjoy,

Fergis T McGillicuddy

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To Bill Gates

billg.jpg

Heard you are taking semi-retirement from the daily grind of running a multi-billion dollar company. I’m glad. Now you’ve got more time to play Xbox 360. I’ve heard Halo 3 is a pretty sweet game. I wouldn’t know. I can’t afford an Xbox as I’m not a billionaire. I hope that you don’t go crazy with all the extra time on your hands. It would be sad to see you turn into a Howard Hughes-type character. He bottled his urine. 

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Trash Can/Recycling Bin

We’ve shared a fine relationship up to now. You would eat useless files and I would provide them to you. Things were so simple in the past.

Last night I wanted to discard some unnecessary web captures. I dragged the icons into your gaping jaws. Then I emptied you. To my horror, I realized I had sent six months of my written work, my articles, my love letters, my hate letters, my drunken ramblings and my first novel into oblivion.

There is no undo command in your world. When something is gone, it is certainly gone. Some seem to believe it can be restored but you have taught me the truth.

Perhaps we can take a valuable from this–we must appreciate that the world we live in is not as empty as you.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy