Dear Letting Agents, You Corrupt, Slime-Mongering Vampires

Repent for your sins!

With the credit crunch forcing cash-strapped Britons to abandon ownership of their shoebox-sized homes for actual shoe boxes, nobody is happier than you, the stygian-souled Letting Agent.

“Wait,” you say. “I provide an essential service that assists both inept landlords and overwhelmed tenants navigate the all-too tasking world of property lettings.”

Ha. What wretched things you must imagine while you pleasure yourself to sleep on a huge pile of your victims’ sorrow.

I’ll always remember the way “Bruce” showed me around the “suite” mentioning the extra-environmental heating system, the new coat of paint, the brand new furnishings… then casually mentioning the small matter of the agency fee: £240… for 15 minutes of “work.” Ah, that’s how you can afford that new BMW.

It should provide me a bit of solace to think that a few people are profiting off the misfortune of others… but it doesn’t.

Cheers,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

Dear Dog, the Bounty Hunter

When I am old and have children, I’ll tell them to be good or else “Dog, will find out and get you.” If they know what’s good for them, they will straighten up and fly right. I’m hoping they won’t realize that bounty hunting is illegal in this country and that my threats are baseless.

I enjoy the way you and your family cleverly carve up the perp’s chance for freedom like a butcher with a laser meat saw.

I can’t wait until your wedding ceremony is broadcast in my region Aug. 8th. The teaser promised a very suspenseful episode. Cold feet at the altar! The drama! It had better end happily.

Even though it probably won’t happen, I hope that after your wedding reception, you’ll rush off and catch a perp in your wedding clothes. I say it wouldn’t happen because you probably wear your regular protective black vests for safety reasons. You know better than I do what danger a meth-fuelled person can pose to your personal security.

Keep on truckn’ Dog.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: ‘God’ spelt backwards is ‘Dog.’ Coincidence?