Dear Ham Chedley

My local Rogers has a porno section now! The
convinience! I can rent hardcore porn at the same time
as regular movies and videogames. I don’t need to
leave my house ever again, except to go to and from
the video store. Someone should have thought of this
several years ago.

—Ham Chedley

Dear Ham Chedley

Porno eh? The idea of walking up to the Rogers counter with Gang Bang Sluts 9 or Barely Legal #87 and casually handing it to the clerk named “Troy” or “Lisa : assistant manager” doesn’t seem appealing to me. I can imagine the customers behind in line are clutching their precious copy of The Lake House or whatever along with their kids, while the pervert ahead of them is renting some Dom/Sub whack-off shit. I’m not saying that would be you either. I’m talking about the average suburban family man who will slip said filth into their Lake House-type family movies.

“No, I’m not going to bed honey, I’ve got a lot of work to finish before I can sleep,” says Joseph Family-pants.

“Okay,” says Wifey Family-pants, who learned a long-time ago to not question her Familly-pants husband.

He starts loving really freaky shit. He writes letters and sends gifts to his favourite porn starlets. He rents movies every night. He obsesses over destruction of the rental slips, lest  they fall into the clutches of his massive family and reveal his expanding X-rated tastes. Eventually he succumbs to Porno Madness and leaves his family for a cabin in the hills where he can masturbate constantly. Of course, the video store clerks have seen the tragedy in every phase since the beginning. I doubt Rogers has psychological counselling for the video clerks factored into the franchise operating budget. Nevertheless, I think it is sweet the Rogers rents hardcore.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Daylight Savings Time

The clock says the time is 3:06 A.M. It’s not 3:06 A.M. I know the correct time is 2:06 a.m.

I stayed up tonight to watch the magical hour of two o’clock disappear because some people in suits (probably men) decided it would save on energy and make people generally more productive. This was decided a long time ago when most people lived on farms. I’m understand this.

The problem is this year Daylight Savings Time kicks in three weeks early and leaves a week later than usual. Some people might say, “Fergis, it’s going to happen sooner or later. Why not suck it up and get up early?”

Sleep is incredibly precious to me. When I have problems sleeping I mope around the letter-writing shack all day, nursing bourbon on ice, sometimes rocking gently back and forth. Rational thought is difficult. Writing is impossible. An extra month of daylight savings will undoubtably throw me into a foul funk that will render me a terrible individual to be around (more so than usual).

It is not surprising I’ve chosen to boycott the change. I’ll set my clock forward three weeks from now. Until then I’ll go to work at the correct time…my co-workers will be exactly one hour early as far as I’m concerned.

Please reader, join me in the wonderous fields of reality. That hour didn’t disappear. It was simply ignored by the greedheads that rule the world from their frozen castle in Antarctica. Boycott the new Daylight Savings Regime!

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

To Any Potential Killer Asteroids Floating in the Black Abyss of Space Hoping to Destroy Earth

That’s right…I’m writing to you: Any potential killer asteroids out there, or 99942 Apophis, specifically. I want to let you know that we’ve got great plans brewing that will wish you never traversed the cosmos. I’m so confident that you’ll alter your course after hearing what I’ve got to say that I’m going to spill the beans on mankind’s super-duper action plan.

Are you ready?

Sure?

Really sure? What I’ve got to say will make you crap your pants.

Well…I’m not going to tell you. It surely doesn’t involve nuclear weapons because we know that would create hundreds of killer asteriods from one killer asteroids. Maybe you’ll experience the shame and humilation of a giant tractor beam or a huge magnet altering your orbit. How would you like that? We can choose from a number of ways to show you the smackdown! I bet you’ll be veering off course to some other galaxy at the thought of our mighty scientific powers.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

PS: Chicken! Bawk-Bak-Bak-Bawk!