Dear Swiftcover Insurance, and by extension, Iggy Pop

Swiftcover, the madness must stop.

When I’m watching television, every time the scheduled programing ends, there’s Iggy Pop, angry and shouting about insurance.

Swiftcover, no matter how much ad-time you’ve purchased, it won’t make your insurance products any more interesting to the general public.

Why do you believe a gaunt, sinewy rock star that resembles a breast-less Wicked Witch of the West is the best possible face for your company? Your company is not that rebellious or it wouldn’t be turning a profit.

You’d be better off having the gnarled wreckage of  car with the spongy crimson remains of a driver hanging out of it with bottle of Jack Daniels in one barely-attached hand as a spokesthing. The wails of the family choking to death on each other’s vomited blood in a crushed minivan opposite would be preferable to hearing Iggy Pop utter, “It’s time to r-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-d-d-d-d-e” ever again.

Just so you know…

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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To The Upcoming Simpsons Movie

When I get lonely, I usually find solace in a simple thought. I think to myself, “Someone in North America is watching the Simpsons right now.” Then I think that perhaps a young couple is making love on a couch while a syndicated episode is broadcast with the volume turned low. Then I try to find a channel broadcasting an episode. It never takes long before there is and I leave the television on while I go about my daily routine. Personally, I would never attempt to make love with the Simpsons on television.

In a few minutes, I’ll step out of my house and go to the theatre to see the Simpsons Movie, a film some say has been 12 years overdue. To be honest, I never really thought about a Simpsons movie. I was content to watch reruns and tune in to the occasional fresh episode on Sunday night. Once I heard about it though, the idea of a towering Homer Simpson in a darkened theatre captured my imagination. I began to ponder the possibility that the series could end at any time if one of the core characters vocal actors died. That thought seemed to plague me during countless sleepless nights. So over the past few weeks I’ve been watching reruns nearly every day, usually several times a day—on CBC, Teletoon, and various Fox affiliates.

I, like many of my generation, would be horrified to discover how much time I’ve actually spent watching Simpsons, probably thousands of hours. It’s on right now…The episode where Homer believes the rapture is at hand and meets god.

While most of the population gave up looking forward to new Simpsons a long time ago, this movie is a cultural milestone. It doesn’t even matters if it is good or not. Springfield will exist for two hours on the big screen.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. Mcgillicuddy