Dear Swiftcover Insurance, and by extension, Iggy Pop

Swiftcover, the madness must stop.

When I’m watching television, every time the scheduled programing ends, there’s Iggy Pop, angry and shouting about insurance.

Swiftcover, no matter how much ad-time you’ve purchased, it won’t make your insurance products any more interesting to the general public.

Why do you believe a gaunt, sinewy rock star that resembles a breast-less Wicked Witch of the West is the best possible face for your company? Your company is not that rebellious or it wouldn’t be turning a profit.

You’d be better off having the gnarled wreckage of  car with the spongy crimson remains of a driver hanging out of it with bottle of Jack Daniels in one barely-attached hand as a spokesthing. The wails of the family choking to death on each other’s vomited blood in a crushed minivan opposite would be preferable to hearing Iggy Pop utter, “It’s time to r-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-d-d-d-d-e” ever again.

Just so you know…

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

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To Spelling Bee Hero Finola Hacket

Congratulations on your finish in the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

I don't know the meanings of words like, "poiesis" or "esquisse," let alone the spellings of them.

The misspellers of the world will never understand the endurance required to complete the competition you have. Spelling Bees are furious tests of consitution. The weaker contestants have been reported to have internal brain traumas, forcing them from competition. Brains dripping from their noses Finola!

Your brain is different than theirs. It is made out of pure Spellimantium, a freakish organic metal that grows on those blessed by the god of spelling–Spelltrix. Your winning-competitor is blessed by Spelltrix as well, which is why you lost. Spelltrix created all the good spellers in the world to amuse himself. So don't take your crushing defeat personally.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy