Five Fantastic Fergis Facts

1. Fergis wishes to die in a plane crash piloted by John Travolta, but only if he uses the intercom to utter his final words: “Oh my god!”

2. Fergis thinks it is beautiful when fat people have children.

3. Fergis’ favourite historical dictator is Chairman Mao. Coincidentally, Chairman Mao is also his favourite name for a cat. Chairman Meow is his second favourite cat name. Steve is his third.

4. Fergis is unable to add prime numbers in his head.

5. Fergis always cries at the end of Jurassic Park.

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A Form-Letter to Gain Friends on Internet Social Networks

Hello Fergis Writer Letter Reader,

I’ve decided I want to help you. I want to help you become more popular than you can imagine…but only on the internet.

So use the following letter to gain a slew of anonymous followers on Facebook or Myspace. Just insert your name where ‘Fergis McGillicuddy’ is written. You’ll be better than an academy award winner.

***Letter Starts Now***

The benefits of friendship with Fergis McGillicuddy are myriad.

As a friend of Fergis McGillicuddy:

1. You’ll get to experience life in a brand new and less shameful light. Your attractive new outlook will impress friends and acquaintances.

2. You’ll be guaranteed a position in the ultra-exclusive social club “The Choosers,” featuring equally ultra-members like: (insert super impressive names here) and of course, Fergis McGillicuddy.

3. You’ll smell finer than a mint cat with cotton candy fur. This comes with being able to control your body odor. In case of emergency you’ll be able to generate a foul-stench that renders your enemies anemic and lifeless at will.

4. You’ll cheat death until a hobbled Spaniard claims you owe him a bottle of wine. He’ll be satisfied with the bottle of balsamic vinegar, but his cadre of robot lawyers won’t.

5. You’ll receive reduced insurance premiums, as you won’t be able to be devoured by silver-toothed women, and thus, are understood to live longer by the mystic actuaries that determine insurance premiums.

Don’t let not being friends with Fergis McGillicuddy stand in the way of your dreams any longer!

Join the Fergis McGillicuddy friendship network right away.

Sincerely,

Fergis T. McGillicuddy

—Paid For By the Friends of the Fergis McGillicuddy Friendship Network—